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Lying about Your Virginity Status

I lied to my boyfriend and said I wasn’t a virgin when I was one. We had sex and he didn’t realize. Is this relationship doomed?  

Dear Doll, 

Let’s put the relationship with your BF on the back burner for a moment. I’m curious about your thoughts or judgments of yourself as a non-virgin. What did you think he might think of you if you were a virgin? What might he have thought knowing you are not? Something provoked you to present yourself in-authentically. At the core, it’s always about the illusion of getting love or fearing that we will not be loved if someone knows who we really are. So how else do you lie about who you are, what you want, how you feel, what matters to you? Do any of those questions evoke feelings in you? I suggest you sit with that for a bit.

Also, let’s just call a spade a spade: You are manipulative. I get that your intention may have been pure, as you wanted your BF to stick with you, but twisting the truth means you’re luring him into a relationship with someone else because the real you isn’t the one he is sleeping with. You don’t have to do that — you deserve to be yourself, love yourself and accept yourself. Only then will someone else be able to do the same.

Of course, I suggest that you tell your BF the truth — but in telling him the truth soften your heart and let him in. Tell him why you lied and what you wanted him to believe about you. Look at the other relationships in your life and check out where and why you might be lying about who you are. Intimacy and true connection are found when we trust and adore ourselves enough to accept everything and then share the deepest and most sacred parts of ourselves with other people. 

Some other thoughts: What is your sexual history like? What were the conversations about sex in your home growing up, or were there no conversations about sex? This is a vast well of feeling and much of our lives are shaped by our feelings and thoughts about sex. Most of us are unconscious about these feelings and thoughts, and have little if any tools to deal with them. Take it easy on yourself and be gentle. I hope you find some solace inside and forgive yourself for lying. But start strengthening the muscle of being exactly who you are. I bet you’ll find tremendous joy. 

All my love,

Ali Berlin is a radio host, author, relationship coach and marriage officiant who guides people to release conditioned pain and fear and embrace satisfaction and love. Over the past ten years, she has become a sought after expert in desire and practical spirituality, and is beloved for her disarming personal transparency and relentless commitment to the truth. Ali has personally worked with hundreds of individuals and couples, and spoken to thousands of people on the practice of living an authentic, integrated and passionate One Life. Ali holds a Masters Degree and coaching certification from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology and a Bachelors Degree from Penn State University. She has lectured at Stanford University, Penn State University, the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology and has been a featured on Montel Williams radio, Woman’s Day Magazine radio, The New York Times Weddings section, InStyle Celebrity Weddings, DailyWorth.com, Mike Robbins’ radio, KTLA Pacesetters, StyleMePretty.com, BrooklynBride.com, Personal Life Media and more. In 2008, she co-founded The One Love Campaign, a grass roots initiative for marriage equality, which garnered local and national recognition. For more information, visit http://aliberlin.com/
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