Another week, another slew of questions: who’s here for the right reasons? When will Des feel that real connection? Where in the world did the casting directors find these guys?
Last night marked the fourth week of Des and her remaining bachelors’ dogged quest for love a sense of worth and, as things grow intense, each bachelor’s earnestness—and sanity—gets called more into question.
One-on-One Date Number 1:
After flying the bros out to Atlantic City, Brad the Dad and Des hit the boardwalk on the first one-on-one date of the night. Things started off well enough, with some wholesome carousel-riding, chocolate-eating fun, though the other boys (who watched the boardwalk creepily from the hotel above) expressed doubt that Brad had chemistry with Des…or, well, a personality.
Things went south at dinner where awko-tacos must have been served, because Brad the Dad suddenly forgot how to hold a conversation. After some silence, some anxious drinking, and a stroll up to the top of a lighthouse, Des decided that Brad would not be receiving a rose that evening, which led to that awkward moment when you break up with a guy at the top of a lighthouse. Des wisely decided to wait at the top and look pensively out over the water while Brad trudged dejectedly down the stairs alone. Cue the “Christmas Time is Here” theme from Charlie Brown.
“Looking for love is not always the funnest thing to do.” – dejected Brad.
The Group Date:
Deciding that last week’s dodgeball game wasn’t nearly emasculating enough, the theme of this week’s Group Date was a Mr. America pageant. The tragically diabetes-riddled Michael G. expressed how excited he was to be fulfilling his childhood dream, and the jury is still out on whether this declaration was facetious or not.
Soon enough the (pageant) contestants were all wobbling around in heels, twirling batons, and ribbon dancing about the stage in preparation for the show. But, you know, it was all for Des. It’s not like they were actually enjoying themselves or anything. We will admit that no one made baton twirling look as hot as Juan Pablo, however. (¡#TeamJuanPablo!)
After a question and answer session that made Miss Utah’s flub the other night seem positively eloquent (sorry, girl), some pelvic thrusting and pec dancing in too-small Speedos, and a series of self-mocking talent performances—except for Zak W., who insisted on a legitimate guitar performance. Do less, Zak—the winners were crowned by the reigning Miss America, Des and, inexplicably, the Atlantic City mayor (because, you know, he has nothing better to do). Formerly broken-fingered Brooks won second runner-up for smashing a ukulele, Zak W. won first runner-up for trying too hard, and Kasey was crowned the winner for his awe-inspiring tap routine. But really, there were no winners, as all the contestants lost their dignity.
The Drama:
Chris, after finally removing his high heels with some reluctance, revealed to Des that he’s been dabbling in poetry and proceeded to read to her the poem he wrote in her honor. And everyone knows that if you give a girl a poem, you’re bound to want to make-out after. Des kiss count: 1.
Ben announced that he is still not here to make friends.
Zak W. continued to irk us and showed off on the guitar once again, earning himself the first rose of the night.
One-on-One Date Number 2:
Not-from-Jersey James and Des took off on a romantic helicopter trip over the Jersey Shore to see the destruction that Hurricane Sandy wrought. How romantic!
Though not exactly the ideal date for romance, Des and James’s visit to a Seaside Heights couple Manny and Jan, who lost everything in the storm, was pretty touching. Des generously gave her and James’s Atlantic City date to the couple, while James grudgingly went along with the plan, and the sacrifice earned James a make-out in the seedy bar where the two ended up for dinner. (Des kiss count: 2.) There was that moment when James confessed to cheating on an ex only to find out Des had been cheated on in the past (#awkward), but she appreciated his honesty and he earned a rose.
The two couples later swayed to the sweet crooning of former Hootie and the Blowfish front man Darius Rucker. Because apparently dancing at private concerts is Des’s thing.
The final seductions:
The tragically diabetes-riddled Michael G. attempted a seduction so saccharine we felt like we needed some insulin when he transformed Des’s name into an acrostic poem, adding G to the end (because that’s his last name—duh!) It earned him a kiss at least. Des kiss count: 3.
Bryden, who stole our hearts two weeks ago, began to panic with his lack of time with Des on the air. Des reassured him that, though his haircut looks more unfortunate every week, she still cared for him. Or something.
Des shared a final make-out with poetry-writing Chris. Des kiss count: 4. Only four, Des? You can do better than that.
The Rose Ceremony:
In the end, it was Zack that was sent home. Though he was heartbroken, we had forgotten he was even in the competition, so we were able to recover pretty quickly.
We can’t wait for a whole new batch of tears and tantrums next week.
Image source:
http://www.wetpaint.com/the-bachelorette/articles/2013-06-17-desiree-hartsock-recap-week-4