Love is a battlefield. And also a dodgeball match. And a staged cowboy fight.
Last night marked the third week of Des and her remaining bachelors’ dogged quest for love five minutes of fame and, as the stakes rise, so does our embarrassment for each and every one of this season’s contestants.
Group Date Number 1:
After donning an emasculating uniform of tube socks, short shorts, and sweatbands, the first group of boys got ready to dodge, dip, duck, dive, and try too hard.
“You can’t even hear the whiz of the ball as it flies by your face!” – the tragically diabetes-riddled Michael G., shortly before getting hit in the face.
Though the blue team ended up victorious, the real winner was our favorite flippy-haired bro Brooks, who valiantly risked his life/finger for the sake of the game. Way to take one for the team, Brooks. After he and his broken digit are rushed to the hospital, his disappointment in missing the group date with Des is assuaged only by knowing a pity rose from Des is on its way. He makes it back to the date just in time to score the first smooch of the episode. Des kiss count: 1.
Zack tells Des about his three-year-old son (sorry, man, that card has already been played by Ben) but trumps Ben’s sob story by adding an alcoholic ex. Well played, sir.
After wooing Des on the rooftop, Chris earns the first rose of the evening. He and Des then proceed to sway ever so casually to the sounds of a live impromptu Kate Earl concert while the other boys watch on.
The Twist:
No one likes a snitch, Chris Harrison. As it turns out, Brian has a girlfriend. Who could have seen that one coming? (Besides all of those episode teasers leading up to said moment, of course.)
Emotion Brandon laments the idea of Brian deserting his single mother girlfriend, just as his father had abandoned him (*sniff*) and proceeds to weep at the thought. Brandon breakdown count: 1.
The One-on-One-Date:
I.e. the worst date ever. Still distressed from Brian’s betrayal, Des tries her best to enjoy her romantic dancing-on-the-side-of-a-hundred-story-building date with spiky-haired Kasey. However, once they move on to the rooftop for the second portion of their date, the natural elements do everything in their power to assure that the date sucks as much as possible. Kasey and his perfectly coiffed hair are still able to score a make-out and a rose, at least. Des kiss count: 2.
Group Date Number 2:
In the second group date, the boys don Old Western ensembles in order to learn to (stage) fight like real(ly sad excuses for) men and save the damsel in distress, Des. Dan may have split his pants, but it was Juan Pablo that really stole the show with his performance and won the challenge.
¡#TeamJuanPablo!
The two have a romantic movie date in a barn where we believe—though we may be mistaken—that ABC was subtly attempting promote Disney’s The Lone Ranger (in theaters July 3rd!) The date ended with un beso romantico, bringing Des’s kiss count to 3.
Later, Bryden sneaks in a private moment with Des and the two, while sitting in a tree, do some k-i-s-s-i-n-g. Des kiss count: 4. Also, #TeamBryden. (We can divide our loyalties, can’t we?)
James tells Des his touching story of leaving his ailing father at home unaided to compete for love five minutes of fame on a reality TV dating show and sweeps Des off her feet. Des kiss count: 5. James is given a rose for his admission and he charmingly gives her a daisy in exchange. This guy!
The Betrayal:
Sneaky baby daddy Ben steals Des away from the beginning of the cocktail-turned-pool party, a move almost as aggressive as his pink swimming trunks. He manages to score a kiss (Des kiss count: 6) and then he proceeds to lie about the whole thing to his fellow contestants. #drama. But, as he points out (once again), this show isn’t called “let’s make friends.”
Emotional Brandon cries once more. Des kisses him in an attempt to get him to stop. Des kiss count: 7. Brandon breakdown count: 2.
The Rose Ceremony:
At the end of the episode, we are forced to bid adieu to the fool who went and ripped his pants, Dan, and Emotional Brandon. Brandon (spoiler alert!) shed a few more teardrops on his guitar, until finally concluding that he couldn’t even cry anymore because he was “just out of tears.” Brandon breakdown count: 3.
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We can’t wait to see what next week will bring.Â
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