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‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Don’t Cry For Me America

Producers really should’ve vetted JoJo’s ability to pronounce the names of the locations they were sending her to before they left L.A.

Thank you, Chris Harrison, for verifying Buenos Aries is indeed in Argentina. I didn’t even have to Google that one.

JoJo mentioned Ben again, which means she’s been unknowingly plugging his upcoming reality show all season long.

The guys had no chill when it came to Wells’s kissing history with JoJo. Because this season’s contestants are middle schoolers rather than adult men.

As if the pressure wasn’t already high enough, Wells and JoJo’s performance art-themed one-on-one really killed any kind of mood that was left between the two of them.

This date had everything: creepy water people, treadmills, people getting shot and a first kiss JoJo practically had to beg for.

Like every other guy before him, Wells broke into a sweat when JoJo asked about his ex, and things spiraled into the friend zone from there. It turns out Wells wasn’t enough of a believer in true love to satisfy JoJo’s wishes.

Alas, Wells was sent home, and JoJo was forced to suffer through a rainy bit of performance art alone.

Lots of testosterone ensured that the group date was a real hoot.

James Taylor shined as “guy with disabling insecurities.”

Jordan tried to ~do sports~ better than everyone else.

After James (maybe?) missed a goal in a pickup game of soccer, it was off to the evening portion of the group date, where leather jackets were the attire of choice.

JoJo and Luke made out in this super slow-mo way that really was not appropriate for network television.

James warned JoJo about Jordan’s tendencies to not follow the rules of poker. No, I’m being completely serious.

Thus, JoJo was forced to confront Jordan yet again about the rumors.

Jordan puffed his chest and claimed he does not even know the definition of “entitled.” But I’m pretty sure if you look up “entitled” in the dictionary, you will see Jordan’s face along with that rogue hair atop his head.

To make matters worse, Jordan started angrily swishing his white wine in his glass while repeating over and over again that everything was fine. If that’s not an audition for Real Housewives, I don’t know what is.

After that horrible nightmare concluded, JoJo headed to a two-on-one date with Derek and Chase. Yes, these are the names of actual people that were still on the show at this point in the episode.

They participated in a three-person tango, which apparently exists in Argentina. If JoJo was hoping this would land her a spot on Dancing with the Stars’ roster, I’m sorry to report she was a bit too stiff to make the cut.

Once we got past the usual misleading chunks of dialogue, Derek left without a rose, and his tear-filled goodbye was probably more hilarious than it was ever intended to be.

Oh, the irony of scoring Derek’s mumbled, self-directed “don’t cry” pleas with “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.” This show sure can concoct a satisfying send-off.

At the rose ceremony, the focal point was, of course, JoJo’s banging evening gown.

Then again, JoJo decided to give every remaining guy a rose and send no else home, so I guess that was sort of important, too.

Erin was previously the Entertainment Editor of Her Campus. She graduated from Belmont University in 2015, where she studied English and Elementary Education. Before joining the team full-time, she was a national contributing blogger, viral content writer and editorial intern at HC. In addition to her work for Her Campus, Erin was formerly an editorial assistant at Nfocus Magazine and has been published by HelloGiggles and Man Repeller. In her free time, you can find Erin falling for yet another TV boyfriend (her long list of ex-lovers includes Nathan Scott, Chuck Bass and Pacey Witter, to name a few), reading chick lit and/or celeb memoirs and hanging with her puppy/soulmate, Cooper.
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