According to the New York Times, back in the day, Macy’s used to release balloons into the air after the Thanksgiving Day Parade ended. If you happened to find a balloon upon its arrival back to earth, you would be awarded a monetary prize. As you can imagine, this would create absolute havoc when a balloon landed in your area. In 1928, a tug-of-war ensued in a Long Island neighborhood when a balloon called Sky Tiger touched down. Another balloon pursued by two tugboats when it landed in the East River. (Felix the Cat, Macy’s first character balloon, was never found because he floated into a high-tension wire and caught fire. RIP.)
If I were in charge of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, I would definitely bring back this competition. However, I’d have to make sure that there was a huuuge incentive to find the balloons (you know, so they don’t end up polluting the ocean). So here are the balloons that I would create, and the prizes you’d get for finding them.
1. Gavin from Vine
me every night laying in bed without vine pic.twitter.com/K1blCs3THZ
— lil suzi vert (@SueChainzz) June 15, 2017
As we all know, the Millennial Bedtime Routine is brushing your teeth, washing your face, putting on pajamas, and watching four hours worth of Vine compilations on YouTube. Ever since that iconic app was stripped right out of our hands, we haven’t been able to think of anything else. Imagine if one night you were heading out with your friends, when all of the sudden a giant Gavin balloon appeared in front of you? Or what about a Miss Keisha balloon, a “what the f*** is up, Kyle?”, or a balloon of Jared, who’s nineteen and never f***ing learned how to read. (I don’t really know how you’d turn these Vines into balloons, but, hey, it’s 2017. We’re innovative AF. We’ll figure it out.)
The prize for returning this balloon? You would single handedly get to #BringBackVine. That’s right. As if Vine being back wouldn’t be incentive enough, you’d go down in history as the biggest hero of our generation.
2. The Letter “I”
until apple fixes this phone issue, me guess me will talk like this.
— riley mcdonough⇞ (@rileymcdonough) November 7, 2017
Imagine if you saw the capital letter “I” would be floating through the air. When’s the last time you saw that letter? Thanks to the infamous iPhone glitch, you may have forgotten that once upon a time, the third vowel was not A[?].
https://twitter.com/rileymcdonough/status/927795325644836865?ref_src=tws…
If you returned this balloon, your iPhone would be restored and you would, once again, be able to see the letter I. What a dream.
3. A 4.0 GPA
How do some ppl always go out/never have hw. Just by breathing I miss 5 assignments. I have something due next yr i already missed. Voodoo!
— em.ay.dee.dee.why ❄ (@maddymcconnon88) October 12, 2017
It’s a bird…it’s a plane…it’s some mythical creature floating through the air! That, my friends, is a 4.0 GPA. No, I’ve never seen one in real life, either, but hey, a girl can dream. The prize for returning this balloon would be (you guessed it!) a 4.0 cumulative GPA in college.
Actually, upon second thought, maybe the balloon would just be of a passing GPA. Still dreaming big, but I’ve gotta keep this at least somewhat realistic.
4. Your Uncle Leaving You the Heck Alone On Thanksgiving
Uncle: Your mama told me you’ve been slacking off.
Me: My mama told me your lights are off. #ThanksgivingClapback pic.twitter.com/zHoKNeWJQY
— Holiday_clapbacks (@Clappbacks) November 17, 2017
Again, sort of difficult to put this into balloon form, but we’ll figure it out. This balloon would feature your uncle (or any relative, really) coming to Thanksgiving dinner and not asking you about your grades, or what you’re going to do with your life, or who you’re going to marry, or if you got your jeans at a discount because they already have holes in them. Imagine that!
And, of course, the prize would be that the relative of your choice would leave you alone on Thanksgiving! Make your pick carefully, though, because you only get to choose one relative. Would you rather your grandma stop asking you if you have a “little boyfriend” or your aunt stop asking you about your political views? It’s one or the other!
5. A Boy With the Basic Human Decency to Respect Women
My schedule is packed for today pic.twitter.com/KaMkzhXUCa
— Naruto 風遁 (@Rasengawn) April 1, 2017
We don’t expect much out of our men nowadays, and yet it’s still proving to be pretty much impossible to find one who meets our standards. This balloon would feature a dude who respects women, doesn’t mansplain or talk over you, and is okay with you adopting like 5000 puppies. Swoon. I’m thinking Ryan Reynolds or Chris Pratt.
If you find this balloon, your prize is a boyfriend who’s a million times better than the boys in any of your classes! A guy who has the basic human decency to respect women…man, that’s straight out of a fairytale.
Unfortunately, I’m not in charge of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, so you won’t be able to find any of these balloons or receive these prizes this year. However, the parade is pretty awesome as it is already, so I encourage you all to watch it tomorrow at 9am ET.