Big boobs are like puppies: they’re fun to look at and play with, but once they’re yours, you realize they’re a lot of responsibility. All girls say they want them, but the girls who have them try to convince them otherwise. Trust us, ladies – they aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Great in so many ways, but awful in so many others. Let us busty ladies tell you why having big boobs isn’t really that great.
1. A casual top doesn’t exist
Simple V-neck shirts make us look like we just came from Coyote Ugly auditions, and anything with a high neck makes our chests look like Mount Rushmore.
2. Any sort of physical activity can cause detrimental damage
Whether it’s to our back or anything breakable around us, that kind of intense movement can be threatening when you have big boobs. The second they gain momentum, there’s no stopping them.
3. People ask if everyone in your family has big boobs, too
What, because a rack this big has to be a sure sign of hitting every big-boob branch on the way down from the family tree?
4. Cute bras are a rarity
Whoever created bras for busty women must’ve been a 60-year-old war veteran, because they all look like WWII tourniquets: nude colors with ACE-bandage-sized straps and seven stainless steel hooks in the back. Really?
5. When cute bras can be found, they don’t fit right
Cute bejeweled and patterned bras only come in the first four letters of the alphabet. Anyone fulfilling the last 22 letters has two choices: squeeze into a smaller size with half of your boob spilling over the cup, or make your way to the specialty stores at the other end of the mall (see above)
6. The thought of having children is actually terrifying
What if they crush the baby while their mass rests on top of our stomachs? Or what if they seriously never stop growing and fill with enough milk to cause an internal pipe burst? Is that possible?
7. Things get stuck in them
Seriously, every time we drop an earring or a stray piece of popcorn, the first place we look is in our cleavage. Heck, while we’re in there, we might even find that bobby pin that fell out of our hair earlier.
8. They become our main identifier
When someone can’t remember if they met us or not, our friends say, “You know, Liz, the one with the big boobs? You’d remember her if you met her.”
9. Strapless bras just don’t work
They make our boobs look like giant loaves of banana bread. Seriously, it’s creepy.
10. Anything sheer, backless, strapless or button-up is automatically ruled out of our wardrobe
Obviously going sans bra isn’t an option, and bandeaus, sticky bras and strapless bras clearly don’t work. As for the buttons… they’ll just pop right open.
11. They make everything we do seem really sexual
There’s nothing like leaning over the clerk’s desk to ask for a pen, making him think we’re trying to seduce him. Uhm… nope, just trying to finish making a grocery list.
12. Boob sweat
Is more of an explanation really needed?
13. They invade our personal space
Squeezing through a large crowd at a concert or a busy restaurant can get really personal really quickly. They graze people’s backs and hit drinks out of their hands, attacking anything within an arm’s (or boob’s) reach.
14. People ask really stupid questions about our boobs’ abilities
“Do they make you float in the water?” Yeah, and if we activate the aviation button, they make us fly, too!
15. Swimsuits flat-out suck
They cut off circulation in our neck from trying to hold the colossal weight, and anything without a strap makes things like tubing and waterslides an overall terrible idea.
16. Guys stare at them… all the time
Sure, it’s flattering and all, but it gets really old when we’re trying to have an intellectual conversation with a guy and he’s staring at our chest like we’re wearing blinking construction barrels for a bra. Uhm, hello! Up here!
17. We have to hold them up when we go up and down stairs
It’s just safer that way. Trust us.
18. Hugging can get dangerous
This could actually result in manslaughter from busty girls like us. We’ve actually thought a time or two about a worst-case scenario of accidentally suffocating our little cousin when greeting her at the family Christmas party.
19. People always ask us if they’re real
Yes, and don’t make us use them against you.