1. The Bore: “Sooo… what do you want to talk about?”
2. The GPS: “So where do you live? Oh that’s a great neighborhood… Which street? Yeah uh I have a buddy who lives over there, that’s why I ask. Oh no way! I think he lives right by there… What are the cross streets? Wow! And you said you were the third window from the right?”
3. The Comedian, Unless You’re Down: “So what’s it gonna take for you to make out with me? What about for a little more than a makeout? Totally joking!!! I’m a really funny guy, obviously. Funny until I unclip your bra! HAHA All my friends know that, you’ll see… I’m just kidding all the time! You’ll get used to it… by the time I’m taking your pants off! HAHA”
4. The Apologist: “Sorry! I don’t mean to be so awkward… I’m not usually this awkward! I guess I just don’t know what to say on dates! Hah. I guess I’m just awkward sometimes… when I’m in the presence of a beautiful girl! Did that make you uncomfortable!? I’m sorry! I’m so sorry.”
5. The Sartorialist: “What do you call that uhh skirt thing you’re wearing? A maxipad? What?! Oh, oh maxi DRESS. Got it. I mean, I like it, but you’ve got those sexy legs! Why wouldn’t you show them off! And uhh it’s so interesting how you’ve paired it with that fringed leather vest. The brown really looks great with that uhh… uhhh… lip gloss.”
6. The Judge: “Order whatever you want, this place is great! Oh my gosh, I didn’t realize that this place was so pricey. Did you suggest this restaurant or did I? But either way, you know, what were you thinking about getting? …Oh, the chicken. Nice, great choice, right in the middle of the price ranges. You were raised right!”
7. The Dumped: “Oh I haven’t had champagne since I was with my ex! She totally screwed me over though, BY THE WAY! Obviously I know how to choose the crazy ones. Anyways, nevermind! I mean, she just put me through a lot, you know? Either way… not important! Who talks about their ex-girlfriend on a first date – I mean really, who does that! F*ck her though, seriously.”
8. The Private Investigator: “Don’t feel weird about this, but like… what’s your number? Five? Ten? You’re super hot so I gotta bet it’s so high. My money’s on twenty. No judgments here or anything, you’re just so hot I bet that it’s really high. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours! Oh, it’s only seven? Wow… I’m not even going to tell you mine if you’re just going to LIE to me like that!”
9. The Hammered: “Hey! Your glass is empty… Waiter! Get over here – can’t you seeeee that m’lady’s glass has been empty for a whole two minutes? What were you drinking? Vodka Soda? Oh it was just Club Soda? Well, no better time to throw some vodka in there! Let’s do this. While you’re at it, buddy, give me a double of Maker’s on the rocks. Tonight’s going to be just the best. Could anyone possibly be luckier that me in this moment riiight now? I’m sitting here, at this great place, with this beauuuutiful girl. What could possibly be better in the whole world? I mean… We should definitely get shots. Waiter!”
10. The Cheapskate: “Are you familiar with the concept of Going Dutch?”