I’ve grown up to hear that success is reaped after a long road of hard work. Of course, while growing up and experiencing my own journey through said road, I faced a rude awakening when I found out that it was way worse than the puertorican roads we’re so used to (if you know, you know).
Anything that’s worth fighting for shouldn’t come easy. I’m not opposed to working hard for things. There’s nothing better than getting your hands dirty for something you are passionate about or are working towards. However, I must confess that recently (or maybe a few months ago) I got into a struggle bus and haven’t been able to get out of it.
The reality is that things have been overwhelming and, at the same time, all over the place. Between a high-demand job, heavy academic responsibilities and a somewhat inconsistent social life, it was only a matter of time before I hopped on the bus and onto the bumpy road we call life. However, I seemed to think I had everything under control…until I realized I didn’t. Figuring out that I was struggling didn’t make things better for me. It’s one thing to struggle romantically (as you readers know, I clearly do), but seeing yourself struggle for reasons that may be potentially more serious than relationships … makes love struggles seem a bit stupid in comparison.
From the window seat of my bus, I saw everything move and change quickly. Without a warning, I felt that I was moving towards an unknown destination. I saw myself transition from being productive, responsible and consistent to feeling insecure, unmotivated and uninterested. Between what everyone and everything in all of my things expect from me, it was only a matter of time for me to feel absolutely drained and tired. Everything I have in front me has made me feel completely lost. Of course, we hide how we feel and we keep on going. Stopping is not an option … or at least I thought it wasn’t.
Stopping for me has meant procrastinating. I’ve simply just stopped doing things, not necessarily because of time, but because of a disinterest in doing things that, quite frankly, I don’t want to do. A car can’t run without gas, just like we can’t run without rest and serenity. These past few months have been so intense that I haven’t been able to fully process everything. Once a big event ends, another one pops right around the corner. Between everything that is expected of me, and everything I want to do … how do I make time to live? To sleep?
As humans, we tend to take on more things than we can handle. While I’ve always had a lot on my plate, it didn’t mean it was easy to handle everything at the same time. Everything in life requires a certain attention, and when I was not even paying attention to myself, how was I supposed to give everything in my life the attention it demanded? With all honesty … I stopped paying attention to everything. It’s even worse to know you are struggling and not being verbal or comfortable enough to say something about it; specifically to professors, coworkers or bosses, or just any individual that has proven themselves to be flat tires throughout the journey.
However, the biggest struggle in this ride has been balance. It’s been difficult to find time to do everything. Work demands a lot, and people also expect a lot… It’s draining to try and balance everything so perfectly. This is when, of course, I’ve come to accept that a perfect balance does not exist. However, there are friends who celebrate your wins and your struggles, Netflix shows to catch up when work becomes too much, and essentially yourself to carry on everything even when we don’t want to.
Perhaps dealing with the struggle bus is a part of adulting. While there are a million things to blame on how I’ve been feeling lately… I’ve simply just decided to carry on. Some days I can conquer the world. Other days, the world conquers me. There is nothing wrong with struggling and not knowing what to do about it. With all honesty, the struggle lifestyle has made me realize that I’m a bit too hard on myself. Amidst my struggle, I’ve never stopped working, studying or being present in stuff I care about. Things might get handed in a bit late, but eventually they get done.
A day before my birthday, someone very important to me said that this is our time to break our backs working, but it’s also our time to live and enjoy our young adulthood. He also went on to say that it’s hard to balance everything, but not impossible.
In the meantime, I’m learning to enjoy the bumpy ride. I try to not take many things so seriously. Time flies, and as we do with it, I want to enjoy it whether I’m in my head or distracted. It’s been bittersweet that not knowing what you’re doing is also okay. Some main characters figure out their struggles during the film. Feeling the need to know where you are and what you’re doing all the time is overrated. With the right people, places and ideas … struggle-bussing can actually lead you to where you want to go.