Content warning: mental illness, eating disorder, sexual assault, self harm
From a young age, I have struggled with my relationship with my body. I went through puberty relatively young, getting my period at 10 years old and was wearing a D cup by the time I was 13. I was curvier than my female peers and could not help but compare myself. The comparison led to an eating disorder that has taken on a variety of monstrous shapes the last ten years of my life.
Monster #1: Calorie Counting and Skipping Meals
In peak 2014 fashion, I had Tumblr downloaded on my iPhone. In my free time, I would endlessly scroll the black hole that was the Arctic Monkeys, fishnet tights and Effy Stonem-obsessed side of Tumblr. But in between the gifs of cool girls with messy eyeliner smoking cigarettes and Lana Del Rey lyrics were photographs of thigh gaps and self harm. It was informational overload, and I believed that to be that cool grunge girl, I also had to be the sad girl. Enter MyFitnessPal and early mornings sneaking into my parent’s bathroom to step on the scale. I’d barely eaten breakfast, and lunch consisted of a few pathetic pieces of spinach and turkey slices with some shredded carrots and cucumbers on top. By the time the afternoon rolled around and field hockey practice started, I was woofing down a chocolate brownie Z Bar in the girls’ locker room. When I’d get home from school, I’d hesitantly eat the meal my mom made for dinner, and as punishment for finishing my plate, I’d remove the blade from my razor.
I was sad and destructive and did not know how to get better or even if I wanted to. But, I was lucky enough to have a therapist and family who supported me. By the end of high school I had deleted the apps that were pulling me down. I was at a solid place in my relationship to food by the time high school ended.
But, the move to Manhattan for college brought an entire new monster.
Monster #2: Binging and Restricting
When I arrived in New York City, I was content with my body. But soon, the stress of trying to live my best life in New York, having amazing friends, dating and keeping up with my school work became too much. The old habits from middle and high school took on new shapes as I entered my early 20s. After evenings out with my friends, I’d sleep until 1 or 2 p.m. the next day, just to avoid having a meal and makeup for whatever food and alcohol I enjoyed the night prior. When 6 p.m. rolled around, I was ravenous. I would order Postmates and binge on burgers, fries and a shake. If it was not that, then chicken broccoli alfredo or nachos. Then, I would go to sleep feeling like absolute shit and wake up again and not allow myself to eat until the following afternoon.
I gained and lost weight rapidly. My body was constantly in flux and the stress surrounding food was too much. My parents convinced me to meet with a nutritionist, and I have been lucky to have her as part of my support team. As I was entering my junior year of college and working with my nutritionist, my relationship with food was slowly getting better.
But before it could get better, it had to get even worse.
Monster #3: Everything all at Once
After surviving sexual assault in January 2020, my binging and restricting took on a whole new level. I binged and restricted every single day up until the COVID-19 lockdown. My body did not feel like my body; it did not belong to me anymore, so I did not care how I looked and felt. I was in a horrible mindset that I had to pretend I was not feeling because I was living back home with my parents. I did not want them to know I was a mess on the inside, so I quietly shifted my binging and restricting to very calculated eating. I downloaded a new app and tracked my every move. Whatever weight I gained after my assault fell away. I was starting to believe I was on my way to getting better, but in reality, I was not getting better at all.
After the lockdown lifted and I returned to New York in May 2021, my false reality came crashing down. Everything with food became complicated on a new level because I had not dealt with the trauma around my assault. I realized that being less conventionally attractive, whatever the hell that means, I would be less likely to get male attention. If I was bigger, I was safe. So, I binged, restricted, calorie counted, skipped meals and did everything I possibly could to allow my eating disorder to thrive. And it did.
It has not been until the last four months, as I have begun to heal from my assault, that I have begun to heal my relationship with food and my body. The two became so intertwined, becoming a giant knot that I had to untangle every single hour of every single day.
When the Monsters Are Sleeping
The other day, I tried on a bathing suit that had been stuffed in the back of my dresser for as long as I can remember. I recall the last time I tried it on and despised how my body looked in the lavender bikini. At one time in my life the idea of putting my body on display in a string bikini where it would be accessible to the male gaze would be enough to make me not want to leave my apartment for a week. The thought of even running into people from high school, when I move back home after graduation and for them to see how my body has changed makes me nervous. Yes, I am in this stage of healing, but these negative thoughts still find their way in.
Why does the size of my waist have to determine my worth?
Obviously, it does not. But, these questions are still important, Especially in today’s culture when the world constantly obsesses over appearances and fitness. Instead of Tumblr, it’s now Instagram and TikTok with the overload of fitness influencers and people giving food advice who don’t have PHDs.
Yet, I find myself living my daily existence with a sense of peace most of the time. When I look in the mirror, I am reminded of what I have been through, what my body’s been through. It’s full of stories, as is my mind, and I feel a sense of responsibility to share them.
My monsters will always be there, whether they are awake or asleep. Now I am equipped with the tools to slay them.
My Monster Slaying Tools
Some insight into the three biggest tools that have helped me on this journey:
Therapy
Having someone to talk to, especially a professional, has made a huge difference in my life. In weekly sessions, I reflect on everything that has led me to where I am today. Sometimes, there are places and times that I do not want to discuss, but I must. Six months ago, I was having a verbal blockage where I could not say the phrase, “I was raped” out loud. I would literally lose my voice when trying to articulate what happened to me, which is why I turned to writing and making art. But, by working with my therapist once every week, I’ve made strides when talking about the trauma I went through.
Self Care Days & Nights
One of my favorite ways to spend an evening is to take a hot shower, do a hair mask, a face mask, my eight-step skin care routine, facial massage and blow out my hair. I also do MFR (myofascial release), which is a form of massage and some stretching. It is not so much about the effects of doing these things, but rather the task. I try to treat my body with respect, love and kindness. I’ll also journal, sketch or put on a movie I’ve been wanting to watch.
Working Out & Eating Intuitively
I try to work out between four to six times a week. It depends on what else is happening in my daily life as well as how my body and mind are feeling. I have been working out from the comfort of my home. I’ve been too nervous to step foot in a gym the last few months. I was carrying so much shame and fear that I felt safer moving my body in my home. My next goal is to step back inside a gym with confidence and to not care what anyone thinks.
When it comes to the eating portion, every day is a challenge in some way. One thing I try to do is plan all my meals. I work with my nutritionist on creating well balanced meals that I can enjoy and not fret over. Like with the gym, I was having a lot of grocery store anxiety. So, I started using Fresh Direct (a grocery delivery service) to help with that. I do not cut any food groups or track calories or macros. I eat what I want and understand what I am fueling my body with. If there is a day I want to have a burger and fries, I will have the burger and fries.
These are just some of the tools that have helped me on my personal journey. What I do may not work for someone else, and that is okay. It’s about finding out about what works for each of us, to find the courage and strength to get up every day and choose ourselves. I have never been good at being selfish. Even in my worst moments, I worried about others. Now, I’m trying to make decisions that put me first — to hopefully live a life where my monsters can sleep most of the time. And on the days they are awake, I’m ready for them.