As young girls, we are indoctrinated with the idea of serving others, being at their beck and call, doing everything for everyone else before ourselves. We live in a society in which having a “yes” mentality is applauded while simultaneously being shamed for saying no. This essentially leaves us with no choice and forces us to put others first, to the detriment of our own well being. It’s time to rewrite the narrative, to reclaim the power of taking time for ourselves, to stop putting others first, and to be more selfish.
I grew up with one of the most selfless women I know as a role model. On top of her 80 hour work weeks, my mom did the majority of the cooking, cleaning, finances, etc. She was (and still is) a “super mom.” But as the veil of childhood disappeared, I began to see and understand the toll this had taken on her mental, physical, and emotional health. Making and completing to-do lists dominated interactions and weighted relationships. She put everyone and everything before herself. I don’t think she even recognized this burden of selflessness until she was unwittingly forced to confront it, simply because this behavior is not sustainable. In one way or another, you begin to lose parts of yourself, whether physical or emotional, when you are constantly serving others.
Yet the problem is that society hails the hardest worker. Especially in academic environments, there seems to be this never ending “who can do the most” competition. I often wonder if you ask the person who is “winning” this so-called competition if they are truly happy — I bet the answer would be no. Because we need the time to learn about and love ourselves, “ourself” should always come first. Though we continually make the choice not to prioritize ourselves because since elementary school we’ve been told subtly toxic phrases like “put others before yourself,” “sharing is caring,” etc. But when it comes to your time and well-being, sharing is not always caring.
There are many opinions and interpretations of the saying that “you can’t love someone until you love yourself.” At its core, I stand by this statement. So many of us have toxic relationships with people we know and even love, ourselves included. But then, I question, how is it possible to create and maintain healthy relationships with others if we neglect the only person that will be with you from your very first breath to your very last: yourself. We have one body, one life, and so many of us spend our days doing what will make those around us happy. That is a problem.
This is not to say that you should not care for or love other people. I simply want to convey how by taking care of you first and foremost, you are actually able to build stronger, deeper connections and devote yourself to others in a more meaningful capacity. The way we treat ourselves reflects the way that we treat other people. We are unable to sustain healthy relationships with others when we conform to societal expectations and refuse to prioritize ourselves.
So, let’s reframe the narrative: by doing the best for yourself you are doing the best for the loved ones surrounding you. Think back to that one time where you said yes to something that you really did not want to. That whole experience was probably spent dragging your feet and tainted with the thought of “why did I say yes?” Do not brush off this statement. It’s powerful. Reflect. Why did you say yes? There could be a variety of reasons and even more justifications and excuses, but at the end of the day did you say yes because it was something that would serve you, or would it serve others?
A society in which we all love ourselves, by default, creates a place in which we can more fully love each other. And by understanding our own strengths and weaknesses we are able to make more meaningful connections with those around us. Take all of the “selfish” time that you desire to make yourself the best possible version of you. Know that you are loved and worthy and remember, to you, you are the most important person in this world, so act like it.