After recovering from years of mental health struggles, I am now getting to know a version of myself that is not defined by depression.
It is common for depression to drain a person mentally and physically, and due to this most days, I found it hard to simply leave my bed. This puts me in an uncomfortable situation where I am now 20 years old, yet know so little about myself. I am unsure of my hobbies, interests, or goals since they were previously not a priority.
After recovering I have this newfound energy to get up every day and jumpstart my day by doing something that makes me happy. This is hard because while most people my age have figured out their passions, I have fallen behind in that area. It is beautiful that I get to explore and try new things but it can also be stressful. I have an endless pool of sports, activities, entertainment genres, and such to indulge in, but I fear it is too late to not know these things already. I’m not sure if I enjoy a night out bowling or breakfast dates more, rap music or pop, reading or watching tv, and so on. For what felt like the longest time, I enjoyed laying in bed and sleeping all day; it’s really all I had energy for. When you are living in survival mode you do not have time to think about these little things that feel luxurious. When I did have the energy it was spent on hygiene, schoolwork, and catching up on texts I haven’t answered all week.
Another thing I have found difficult is thinking about the future. While a lot of people have always known they want to live in Atlanta post-college or go to grad school in-state, I have never considered the future. Sure, it has crossed my mind, but there was a point in my life when I did not think I’d make it to my sixteenth birthday.
This hit me hard when college applications came around, I simply had not considered where I wanted to go to school or what I wanted to study. This resulted in committing and switching schools, then halfway through freshmen year, I switched majors. Thankfully, I did not fall behind academically, but it sure would’ve been a lot easier to know my interests before committing to majors.
The most stressful of it all would be rebuilding a social life post-recovery. I am so beyond thankful to the people who stayed and supported me through my journey. But of course, it is always nice to make new friends or have more than just two. While struggling I slacked on being social, it was not something that made me feel good and so I chose to isolate myself a lot. This caused a drift even in what I thought would be life-long friendships. Post-recovery I have reached out and attempted to rekindle many, but of course, everyone has their own life and no one owes you their time. I’ve been happy to catch up with a few friends but I also understand that people built their own lives while I sat in bed.
College is a wonderful place to meet all kinds of people. This is great for finding friends, but it can be hard to find something if you do not know what you are looking for. Throughout my two years in college so far, I have had a lot of people come and go. This is because I am still figuring out what kind of people I like being around. I’ve learned that there are different purposes to each friendship; some are transactional and others serve a deeper purpose.
A prominent change I’ve noticed is that this year I am choosing to be more selective with who I befriend compared to last. When I jumped into many friendships my freshman year, I found some to be more stressful than they were fun. Some people had different values/morals and I did not feel completely being myself around them. Others simply had interests that did not match mine, and it felt like a chore to keep up. I learned that I need to get to know myself more first. I enjoy a lot of me-time.
Approaching my 20th birthday, I am weary. I’m not sure what life has in store for me. I do not know where I’d like to live post-school or what I would like to spend my time doing. The one thing I do know for certain is that I will continue to push through the awkwardness of finding myself and what I stand for in this life because I refuse to lose any more of it. I’m blessed with everything I need, and I have faith the rest will follow and fall into place. We live and we learn. They do say, it’s never too late.