Love is addicting. Love is beautiful. Love is scary. Love is a big unknown sea that swifts you out and drowns you in the waves. I was fifteen when I first got swept into his sea and was drowning in his love until I was twenty. The waves that once soothed me to sleep began crashing against my body wave after wave. It’s hard to know when to let go of someone when they’re all you’ve ever known. Every month that we were together I wrote a summary of our love in my notes app documenting a diary that I wanted to one day read to my kids. Here’s how it began…
January: The month we kissed on the bus (I still think it was a dream).
February: The month I was drowning, but my head laying against your chest was like taking a big deep breath // the month you kissed me with soft lips that warmed my whole body, and I no longer felt cold.
March: The month you chased me around furniture, and I felt the kind of dizzy that makes you want to keep running in circles // the month you sang in the car, and I couldn’t help but fall more in love with you.
Our love was straight out of a movie. We were high school sweethearts. What once was two kids deeply in love turned into strangers who didn’t know how to let go. What once was a documentary of our love turned into writing our ending five years later.
September: The month we ignored our problems // the month we fought and fought // the month we couldn’t talk without fighting.
October: The month you ignored me for a weekend. No texts and ignoring my calls // the month I broke // the month I felt unloved // the month I begged for you to love me // the month I couldn’t kiss you because I felt so worthless.
November: the month we ended.
It’s hard to know when to let go of someone that you once loved so much. You’re afraid of the waves drowning you but are also afraid of being able to breathe. It’s been a year since my biggest heartbreak, and I am so glad I learned to let go. People grow apart, and that’s okay. What’s not okay is allowing yourself to drown within a love that doesn’t give you air. I promise there is someone out there who will love you, even if that’s just yourself. In this past year, I have found myself and allowed myself to be loved in a healthy way. My new lover reminds me that I am beautiful every day and kisses me so softly. His love is like a breath of fresh air. You do not need to drown and lose yourself to be loved. It’s okay to let go.