Demisexuality can be defined as a sexual orientation where an in individual only feels sexual attraction to people they have created an emotional bond with. It is a term I have recently come to terms with being my sexual orientation and I am somewhat relieved I can finally explain certain aspects of my character to myself. It is still a somewhat novel term, where Microsoft Word still underlines in red as I write this just now. But I think it is important to explain what Demisexuality is, and why Demisexuals matter.
The crucial point about Demisexuality is the fact we need this emotional bond. It is extremely important to us as often we do not feel any primary attraction. We only start to feel attracted to people after we have known them for a while. I know a lot of people may now pipe up saying ‘isn’t that normal? To want to know someone first?’. But it isn’t just about that. Whilst Demisexuals can be any gender orientation (e.g. Straight or Pansexual), Demisexuality is often explained to be on the Asexual spectrum, where Asexuality is an individual having low or no desire for sexual activity. It means whilst you may get sexually attracted to a random person in a café, I probably wouldn’t even notice someone that walked by.
Growing up I always felt a little strange, where my friends would talk about these ‘hot’ celebrities and I never really understood what they meant. When someone attractive walks by on the street, or comes up to my friends in the club, I was never one to understand the initial attraction people first make with these people, without knowing them first. Don’t get me wrong, if you want to speak to me about that stuff that’s perfectly fine. I’ll be slightly confused if all you can offer to me is their looks, but I will happily listen to you about an encounter you’ve had with that ‘hot’ girl or guy. It just means instead of asking you what they look like and for pictures from the Instagram you just got from them, I’ll probably ask you more questions such as ‘What are they like? What are their interests? What do you like about them?’ It’s true when I say personality comes first, because what is the point in having (conventional) good looks if they have nothing else to bring them to life?
I have never really spoken about my sexuality because Demisexuality is quite difficult to explain, and I don’t really feel I have to label myself. It’s still relatively new to me, but since it is Sex Week, I figured I would clarify a few things (from my point of view). Sex can still be a little bit of a taboo subject, where I’ve never been open because I’ve always been taught to be more reserved when speaking about it. The way Demisexuals view sex is different from the way most people view it and sometimes that can come across as strange, or even ‘prudish’, but that just comes with a lack of understanding and ignorance (if you refuse to learn).
Just because we aren’t sexually attracted to someone instantly (or maybe even ever as some Demisexuals may feel this way), does not mean we are all afraid or do not desire sex at all. Every Demisexual, just like every individual, is different in their own beautiful, unique way, and it is the same in how we view sex – and we should not be invalidated or insulted because we view things differently. It’s just we do not feel that primary attraction most people feel when they first meet someone in their life. It means we are more likely to be attracted to people we were friends with first, because we have built up that emotional bond. Demisexualilty explains how we are attracted to people, not how often we want to have sex.
There is more to life than sex – I want to learn about people. I totally understand for a lot of people, sexual attraction is very important in relationships and that is perfectly okay. But for me, I want to be able to have deep conversations with them about how we could possibly be living in a stimulation, I want to have similar interests, but different ones that make our lives more interesting and so we can be our own person and combined. I want to be the same level of insane, someone to have a laugh with, to be there for me when things get tough. These things for me come first, way before what someone looks like and whether I want to have sex with them. Because this emotional bond is crucial, it’s how you feel safe, validated, cared for. It’s how you build trust, know your worth and create something meaningful. That, to me, is the most important thing.