Dance has been a quintessential part of my life for so long. I remember taking my first dance class, from what I can remember, when I was around 5-7 years old and was happy and cheerful. I was mostly taking ballet and tap classes and absolutely loved it. It was so blissful… until I had to quit. There are quite a number of personal reasons why. Luckily, dance did come back into my life; however, my regrets of quitting when I was younger is 50/50.
First off, it was quite expensive to take lessons, as well as the gear such as the tutus, tap shoes, pointe shoes, etc. I didn’t want to burden my parents with paying so much for me. Plus, I felt so different as most of my dance classmates were white and I was one of the very few people of color. Furthermore, the high expectations of a dancer, especially a ballerina, gave me immense fear. Having to always maintain perfect techniques and posture while maintaining the “dancer’s body” felt too overwhelming for me to endure. I didn’t know how to explain it back then but I know that the the biggest thing I felt was fear and discomfort. That is why I say that my regrets of quitting are 50/50 because while I did enjoy it so passionately as a child, it was good that I quit to avoid the depletion of my mental youth at a young age.
A few years later, dance was reintroduced when I was about 12 or 13 through my parents’ friend’s daughter. She was a student at Studio 429 and a member of the mega dance crew, Breakthrough. My family and I went to the dance studio to drop her off for rehearsals one time. There was a window that connects between the entrance lobby and the practice room where, I assume, a master workshop was in session with some members of Choreo Cookies, another mega dance crew who are well-known in the dance world. I can recall my parents’ friend talking to my mom about how one of the students, Tracy Seiler, is a member of the dance crew. I was familiar with dancers like Quest Crew’s Chachi Gonzalez who has inspired me to dance again. In addition, seeing the Studio 429 dancers’ energy and passion, alongside everyone else cheering on for them, gave me enough inspiration and eagerness to dip my toe back into dance.
So that is what I did! A few months later during that summer, I decided to sign up to be a student at Studio 429. I took some beginning hip-hop classes to get back into the groove I had years ago and it felt refreshing. To be honest, it was a bit nerve-racking since I was by myself and didn’t know anyone at all. However, I do remember after dancing in a group I was put in to do the choreography in front of the class, another student came up to me and gestured to give me a high five. I never got the chance to know her name, but I am grateful that she did that to make me feel less awkward. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to see her again because Studio 429 eventually closed down. I’m not sure why, but it left me with great worry because dance groups like Primary Source, Tru-Definition, Breakthrough, and Choreo Cookies compete in dance competitions like World of Dance, Hip Hop International, etc. I was especially concerned for Choreo Cookies since they are a world-class renowned dance crew and, at the time, had members such as Keone and Mari Madrid, Tracy Seiler and more. Luckily, I found out through the dance crew’s Youtube Channel that they were able to get a huge warehouse to use as their dance studio, which made me relieved. However, I did not learn about the state of the other dance crews so it can be argued that they have all sadly disbanded.
During my freshman year of high school, I joined the hip-hop dance club to further my skill and enjoyment in dance. At the end of the year, we rehearsed and performed at the end-of-the-year multicultural pep rally. Being able to dance and perform with friends was amazing and it made me feel more passionate about dance. That feeling I had when I was younger came back and I felt alive. Before getting back into dance, I was quite shy and reserved but after rejoining, my confidence grew over time.
Then came my sophomore year where I often attended dance classes (Dance I, II, and III) at my high school. In Dance I, I was taught multiple dance styles; some of which I already had some experience in such as ballet, contemporary, modern, jazz, lyrical, hip hop, musical theater, and even cultural dances from around the world. Getting back into ballet felt like I was reborn and as if I was reintroduced to the techniques such as first position, second position, plier, sauter, relever, and so on. In my junior year, I got into Dance II and was able to learn more techniques and also have the chance to perform with a much bigger group of fellow dancers at the school dance shows. I wanted to try auditioning for Dance III, but I was too busy studying for AP tests and felt that my skills weren’t good enough to audition. However, it didn’t matter that much as long as I was able to enjoy dancing.
At the end of my senior year, I suddenly started to feel less motivated and passionate about dancing. This sudden feeling of burnout started sometime after the Dance II/III show, which we performed three nights in a row at the end of April and the beginning of May. We would typically have master dance workshops taught by alumni or dancers from outside of the high school to conclude the end of the year. It was a helpful attempt to try to gain back my motivation and passion for dance.
However, the burnout became more and more intense as soon as I graduated in 2017. I went to community college after high school. I would practice K-pop choreography to continue dancing even during a busy schedule, which helped a little but not in the long run. Eventually, I realized that if I force myself to dance, I would begin to hate it in general and therefore stop altogether, which was my biggest fear and the last thing I would ever want to do. Ultimately, I decided to take a break from dance. It was the healthiest thing to do for myself. No matter how much I didn’t want to, it was necessary.
It wasn’t until I transferred to UCI in Fall 2019 that my motivation and passion for dance returned. It was subtle, but I felt the potential to start dancing once again. I didn’t really feel like I was exactly ready to join any of the dance crews like Kaba Modern, CADC, Common Ground, INSAA, Urban Motus, etc. I simply needed a big refresher since I feel like I would be rusty and unpolished after coming back from a break. I decided to attend the KKAP dance workshops and join the KKAP performance team. Attending their Welcome Week dance workshop made it feel rejuvenating to learn choreography again. They taught the choreography for “Wave” by Ateez and “Adios” by Everglow, for which I never knew what it looked like until I learned it that day. The more I attended their workshops week by week, the more confidence I regained in dance again. Performing at the Tet Festival in 2020 (part of second half of “DDD — The Boyz” section) in front of an audience was the cherry on top alongside being part of their 10K Subscriber Special (first half of “Thanks — Seventeen” section) for reaching 10K subscribers on Youtube. From that point on, I wanted to get back into general dance again.
To clarify, I am not stating that K-pop dance isn’t dance — it definitely is! There are many dance styles within K-pop choreography. When I say I want to get back into general dance again, it doesn’t mean that I was going to walk away from K-pop dance entirely.
Things felt amazing as my motivation and passion for dance seemed to have successfully come back… until the pandemic came. I felt unmotivated to do anything including dance. I thought that 2020 would be the year that I would start dancing again, which was true, but only towards the beginning of it. I took a break yet again from dancing for the rest of 2020 and half of 2021.
That is until my high school friend Madie started a dance film project. She posted on her Instagram story about any volunteers to star in her dance film titled “Hope”. I decided to volunteer since it seems like fun and her film projects always look so nice. There were two tasks that we could choose to do: smile in front of the camera for 10 seconds and hold something that says HOPE for 10 seconds and/or film ourselves dancing to a dance choreography she choreographed herself. I was hesitant to do the dance choreography because I was afraid I wouldn’t dance well in front of the camera and would rather do the first task instead. Eventually I asked myself why not? and tried anyway. I asked two of my friends to film me dancing when they came down to San Diego to visit me. You can watch the “Hope” film here.
Being part of her dance project inspired me to try dancing one more time. It became an official step into coming back. This time, I don’t want to back out.
When I heard that UCI is going back to in-person classes, my motivation and passion for dance made a comeback. I am now back in Irvine, ready to safely regain my pre-pandemic life once again. I do have a lot on my plate with taking 4 classes, having a part-time job as a Production Technician for the Film & Media Studies department, creating content as a Videographer for Her Campus at UCI and AnteaterTV, holding responsibilities as a a Co-Technical Director for the Film Arts Drama Alliance, and interning as a Video Production Intern for Pacific Arts Movement. I want to try my best to squeeze dance into my busy college student life, but I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be able to join a dance crew. If I don’t end up in one, I won’t beat myself up for it. I want to at least make sure that dance stays in my life forever. It might take more time for me to refresh and improve, but I hope it works out this time.