Falling in love is not as effortless as it may seem. To be able to love someone, you have to take down your guard and let someone in. You have to let them see the parts of you that you despise. The parts of you that you are trying to validate.
I tried to push my current boyfriend away for the longest time. In the beginning stages of our relationship, every time he asked me if I wanted to go on a date, I tried to think of many reasons why I could not. Why? Because I did not think I was worthy enough for his attention. I thought: why me? Why is it me that he wants to spark a connection with?
Once we made it official after about six weeks of talking, I was still terrified of him. Being a long-distance couple, every time he wanted to come down to visit me, the first few times were some of the most awkward moments of my life. My space became a shared space. I had to learn to navigate someone sleeping right next to me, accept someone was going to see me in my morning glory, bed head and all, and get comfortable with the fact that he was trying to get to know me and build a relationship.
Once I learned to stop overthinking, it was instant that we began falling for each other. Even now, almost two years later, I still get butterflies. When I think of him, all I can do is smile. Smile big because I get to live a life full of unconditional love with someone who lights up this world.
He reminds me every day of how special I am, how beautiful, even if at times it is hard for me to see it. He cherishes the parts of me that I cannot stand, that I don’t think are appealing enough. Letting my guard down with anyone always takes a while because I’m so scared of getting hurt. Scared that, one day, the painful reality that everyone has to leave our life at some point will come too soon.
Love is not always easy, but when you decide to pursue it every day, the thrill of it never dies. It’s like riding a roller coaster for the first time. You keep craving that adrenaline rush. You never want to get off. It’s a high that never dies down.
Once you can accept that you are uniquely made, and someone out there will accept you full-heartedly, you not only fall in love with someone else, but you fall for yourself. Because someone chose you, you get the chance to bring to life the parts of yourself that you buried so far down you forgot they existed. You begin to realize that the aspects of yourself that keep you up at night because you believe they’re so horrible are adored by someone else.