In September 2020, I went off to live in residence for my first year of university. Now, I was expecting a lot of things, but falling in love — especially during a pandemic — was not one of them. Nor was the COVID separation anxiety that would follow.
After meeting someone and deciding to transition our friendship into a relationship, I was now dating someone I loved, with three months of school left to spare. Those few months living in residence together were nothing short of blissful. I saw my boyfriend every day, just because we could, and we enjoyed every minute we spent together. Quarantine had never been so easy. However, as time ticked by, I became increasingly worried about spending the summer in our separate hometowns, hours away from each other. Over time, I began to feel tied to him; not only because our relationship was so strong, but also because being quarantined together meant that he was one of the only people I could see.
When I came home for the summer, I felt lost. I spent my days wishing I was back at school, and trying to remember how I spent my time before we were together. Being away from my SO for the first time was almost like a culture shock — at school, my schedule was “eat, sleep, school, boyfriend, repeat,” and I wasn’t sure what to do without him around anymore. But after a small intervention from my sister (thanks Julia!), I began a journey of self-discovery that I believe will help you, too. Here are four key steps to take to help you overcome separation anxiety when you have to leave your quarantine partner behind.
1. Take The Time To Find Yourself Again
No matter how much you try to preserve your identity, living with your partner (or even just seeing them often) can make you feel attached to them. I was completely guilty of constantly looking forward to seeing my boyfriend instead of prioritizing and enjoying the other aspects of my life. This is particularly common in new relationships because it’s easy to crave spending all of your time with your partner.
But guess what? This mindset is not good for you. Experts say an SO-centered way of thinking can result in a dangerously codependent lifestyle (picture yourself waving goodbye to your independence).
“When you solely rely on one person for fulfillment, it creates vulnerability, because when your partner is not available, there is nothing else to rely on to be happy,” Dr. Andrew Shaul, a psychologist specializing in couples therapy, tells Her Campus. “This also puts a lot of pressure on the relationship and the partner, knowing that they are the only person you can lean on; in general, it’s a lot more challenging when there’s only one person in your life for emotional support.”
It can feel incredibly anxiety-provoking when you’re suddenly unable to see your partner every day — or even every week or month — and cannot create a schedule around seeing them. When you’re temporarily taken away from something that provides you so much happiness and excitement, what is there left to anticipate?
But by recognizing the fact that you’ve developed a dependence, you can stop it in its tracks. “When your partner is away, it’s an opportunity for you to become more self-reliant and build some of your own inner resources,” Shaul says. “It’s all about nurturing your internal skills for self soothing to build some independence.”
Fill your time with new activities and rediscover your identity. Find an extracurricular job or volunteer position can help you build a purpose. Try exploring your city a bit more, which will give you some fresh air and opportunities for adventure in the almost-post-COVID era. You can even start keeping a journal, which will help you work through your thoughts and do some reflection. The more you try new things instead of sitting in bed crying and living vicariously through The Office characters (definitely not based on a personal example), the happier and more fulfilled you’ll see yourself become.
Remember: Your partner can still contribute to your happiness, but you should never rely on them to be happy. Other aspects of your life can and should fill you with joy — and it’s time to reconnect with those things.
2. Rediscover Your Other Passions
When I left university, I had no job, no classes to attend, and I lost touch with virtually all of my hobbies. I spent my days doing nothing and essentially mourned my time at university. I decided I’d fill my time with some of the other things I love — the things I consider to encapsulate my “purpose.” When I picked myself up, found a job I’m passionate about, and started writing and designing again (two of my favorite hobbies), I actually started to feel better. And I believe that the same method can work for you.
“To some degree, we give up some things when we’re in a relationship because our focus tends to be on the other person,” Shaul says. “So, by not having your partner there as much, you can now rediscover other interests and avenues to find purpose.”
Think about what made you feel fulfilled and happy before your relationship started taking up all of your time, and reconnect with those aspects of your being. Again: don’t remove pieces of your identity to make room for your relationship — your partner should add to your fulfillment, not change it entirely. And if you feel like you’ve lost parts of yourself, leaving you vulnerable once you’re apart from your partner, you’ll have to take some time to relearn those passions again — or discover new ones.
3. Reconnect With Family & Friends
Hey, remember your friends? You know, those other people you used to enjoy spending time with? It’s time to reconnect with them.
It’s pretty common to drift apart from friendships during the beginning stages of your relationship. When I started dating my boyfriend, I slowly (and subconsciously) stopped reaching out to some of my friends, and put less effort into staying in touch with those at different universities. But when I came home and realized my increasing dependence on my relationship, I decided that this mindset was no more.
Now that pandemic restrictions are looser, you’ve got less excuses not to hang out with your friends. Go to your favorite restaurant, have a picnic, or just take the day to catch up. It’s been a long, wild year for everyone, and it’s important to check in on the people you care about — regardless of what your relationship status is. Reconnecting with friends and family will also reduce your anxiety, because it’ll give you something else to be happy about.
Just one more little thing to ensure you don’t upset your friends: Please, bring up your partner as minimally as possible. Your friends want to hear about you, not your partner. Not the cute dates you’ve been on, not the admirable aspects of their personality, and not the time you met their parents. Unless they ask, it’s better to just assume that your friends would rather hear about other parts of your life. In short, take this time to remember and appreciate the other special people you have in your life.
4. Find A Regular Time To Catch Up With Your Partner
Of course, you’re going to miss your partner. It’s natural to feel sad at times, regardless of how well you are managing to distract yourself. But that’s why it’s important to find ways to remain connected.
Find an hour that works for both of you, and schedule some daily or weekly FaceTimes. You’ll also notice that you have much more to talk about now that you aren’t spending every second together. Don’t get me wrong: This isn’t a miracle cure. FaceTime doesn’t live up to seeing each other in person. You may still shed some tears during your call, or angrily yell at your bad wifi when your video and audio cuts out. But try to make the most of the time you’re able to spend talking to each other. You’re likely both going to be busy, but as long as you continue putting effort into your relationship, you’ll feel realigned. That’s coming from someone who was extremely anxious about going semi long-distance for the summer.
Remember that taking time apart can strengthen your relationship, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. You’ll be surprised how amazing it feels when you reunite with your partner again after going long-distance. But, until then, you might as well use this alone time to your advantage, and try to find yourself this summer. Who knows? You may be surprised at what you discover.
Experts:
Andrew Shaul, Psychologist at Shaul Psychology in Toronto, Canada