Someone needs to rob CVS.
It’s nothing personal. Going crazy in the hair care aisle, smuggling Snuggies out under your shirt and pilfering pills from the pharmacy isn’t necessary. It would simply be nice to be able to go to the neighborhood friendly drugstore without seeing row upon row of valentines, I LOVE YOU lollipops, and Sinatra-singing stuffed animals. And well, some ski mask-sporting criminal clearing them out seems to be the only solution. There’s nothing wrong with candy or furry inanimate objects any other time of the year. But come Valentine’s Day, there’s definitely a teddy bear or two that deserve to be shoved down the garbage disposal or chucked into the furnace.
Bitter? Perhaps. But frankly February 14th lost its fun factor when giving Valentines was no longer mandatory. Now there’s no classroom party with holiday bingo, no paper bag to decorate with stickers and doilies, and no funny cards with personalized to-from tags. (Whose soul doesn’t weep when they realize there’s no picture of a train with an “I choo-choo choose you” caption in their future?!)
No doubt D-day (oops—V-day) is a delightful day for those of you ladies in relationships. Who doesn’t love 6,000 calories worth of chocolate in a heart-shaped box and making your boyfriend cough up cash for a fancy dinner of hor d’oeuvres you can’t pronounce? And if he makes the crucial mistake of forgetting the big day, well, you have a get-out-of-jail-free card for the next 10-12 incidents. No, it’s the girls ridin’ solo out there who generally abhor this holiday. But it’s important to be optimistic and look at the glass as half full. On Monday it may be a glass of tequila, but nonetheless. Here are a few ways for you single ladies to enjoy this holiday (none of which involve robbery).
1. The Trudy’s Trifecta
Some of you may say science is the reason Valentine’s Day falls on a Mexican Martini Monday this year, but the truth is it’s fate. So grab your girlfriends and make the rounds to three Trudy’s locations for delicious drinks and some female bonding. Fuel up in between lengths of this challenge with enchiladas, tacos and, of course, unlimited chips. But two stipulations: 1. Make sure you have a designated driver. It’s not hard to find—unsuspecting single dudes will be happy to chauffeur around a group of martini-laden ladies. 2. No depressed drunks. There’s no bigger buzzkill than a girl sobbing into the salsa over her ex-boyfriend.
2. Movie Night
There are really two directions to take this advice and none of them involve Ben and Jerry’s, The Notebook or feeling sorry for yourself. Option one involves horror movies. Lots of them. Because what’s worse than being alone on the annual day for lovers? Oh yeah—Freddy Kruger chasing you in that creepy striped sweater. Single or not, you’ll never feel happier to be alive (and not possessed…rent The Exorcist ) than after watching people get sliced and diced for a few hours. Option two involves going to the most romantic movie in theaters right now…and pelting all the cute couples with gummy bears. Mature? Obviously not. But fun? Absolutely.
3. Make your parents valentines
Or your grandparents. Or your little siblings. Now what you’re thinking is that it sounds depressing…or maybe a little pathetic. But think about it. Is there anyone in the world besides family that is programmed to love you unconditionally? Even if your cut-and-paste skill s are a little rusty and your glitter application a little excessive, your relatives are 100% guaranteed to think it’s the best thing since…well…ever. It will be so unexpected and appreciated that you’re bound to become the number one daughter/granddaughter/sister. And let’s be real, who doesn’t like being the favorite? Or, if family bonding isn’t your thing, have a little fun making a dirty Valentine for one of your girlfriends. Extra points for profanity. You’ll get everyone laughing with your raunchiness—hey, it works for Chelsea Handler.
4. Strip Club
Just kidding. It’s actually not even THAT busy on Mondays.
5. Pamper yourself
It’s a fact—the key to feeling good is often looking good. Imagine how much money you’re saving by not having to splurge on a stupid present for someone else and spend some of that cash money on yourself. Manis and pedis, haircuts and highlights. For dirt cheap salon treatments, look up beauty schools in the Austin area where cosmeticians-in-training use you for practice…often for single digit prices. And hell, with the money you saved go buy yourself a new pair of heels to make your debut and go for a drink. When you look this good you’ll realize the truth about why you’re single—it’s not you, ladies, it’s THEM.
These are just a few ideas to make the most out of this…special…day. And keep in mind, the other 364 days of the year being single is much more fun anyway.