Every college student, everywhere, has a Facebook. The sad thing is this is only a slight over-exaggeration. Seriously-Facebook owns. With so many eyes out there, you’d want someone to let you know how to keep your profile interesting. Understandably you would want to update your status, and eventually you just feel the urge to write anything and everything in that box. No one is completely innocent, definitely not me. I use my status mostly to (ideally) get you here, to Her Campus Brandeis. But lately minifeeds have been buzzing with some special statuses and after talking it over with a few of my closest friends, we came up with a fool proof Status Survival Guide.
You should reconsider publishing your status if it:
1) is the tenth one you’ve published today.
2) has been less than an hour from your last one.
3) is about pretty much any bodily function.
4) involves personal information.
5) can be used to stalk you later.
6) has more than 3 tags in it: now you’re just getting greedy, that’s like publishing multiple statuses simultaneously.
7) has pretty symbols floating around in it.
8) has numbers where, grammatically, letters should be.
9) offers significant proof that you are incapable of spelling.
10) only makes sense to one other person.
11) is an “anonymous” quote that obviously came from you.
12) is a detailed description of what you have to do today.
13) is a detailed account of how you have nothing to do today.
14) is the lyrics to an entire song.
15) is just the name of another person.
16) is not your facebook account you’re currently using.
17) involves your sexual encounters.
18) involves a possible addiction to alcohol.
19) is an SOS that you lost your phone and won’t be able to text for the next hour.
20) not-so-subtly hints at the fact that you are going to, have gone to, or currently are at the gym.
21) has anything to do with what you consume throughout the day.
22) is a sad face followed by a request for people to contact you to cheer you up.
23) in some way incriminating (why would you even…?)
24) is written in “baby talk” or any other made up form of speaking.
25) is a page-by-page update of your progress on your latest essay.
26) is a spoiler of a TV show!
27) is about something that happened on yet another form of social media, namely twitter. Unplug for a minute won’t you?
28) makes sense only to you.
29) is about an imaginary parallel universe.
30) takes more than 15 seconds to read.
31) is about an internship, job, or other accomplishment you haven’t accomplished yet.
32) is in a language none of your friends speak.
33) directly conflicts with the truth.
34) is about your feelings for someone who didn’t know you had these feelings before reading this status.
35) is about your angry feelings towards someone you just broke up with and may be getting back together with shortly.
36) is about your disappointment with the general habits of the opposite sex which are really only targeted at one individual.
37) I repeat, pertains to any and all bodily functions.
38) has more than 20 of the following: question marks, emoticons, same letters in a row.
39) pertains to your good grades.
40) pertains to your bad grades.
41) pertains to speculating about your grades.
42) is your exact finals schedule.
43) is a day by day countdown to your birthday which is months away.
44) is an equation. Of any kind.
45) is generic and can be applicable to any human being anywhere in the world.
46) is a play-by-play of what you and your significant other are, or will be, doing.
47) is a play-by-play of what you wish the two of you were doing.
48) is a lengthy quotation of a conversation you had with someone else.
49) is the result of you falling for one of those bugs that claims to tell you”who clicks on your page the most.”
50) is likely to make someone angry enough to come after you.
If you’ve avoided all 50 of these, it’s likely you’re in the clear. So don’t forget to check before you click. Happy posting!