I think I speak for all of us when I say that Ashley has swiftly taken the title of dumbest bachelorette in the history of this show. This woman has fallen in love with a person who would literally bathe in urine – and who knows what other vile excrements – before even dreaming of dating her.
We get it, Ash. You aren’t over him. But we sure are. So do us all a favor and stuff a cork in it or just leave the show, one of the two. I’d be happy to just watch JP and Ben F. for the rest of the season; your presence isn’t really required. And while we’re on the subject of Ashley’s mental state, I find it appropriate to list a few of the occurrences that have happened, without fail, in every single one of the episodes so far:
- Ashley has an emotional breakdown because she feels ugly/underappreciated/inadequate.
- It is storming/raining outside, which is symbolically appropriate.
- Ryan has to tell Ashley that she is pretty because he seems to be one of the few who thinks so.
- Ashley mentions the cursed name of Bentley a minimum of fifty times.
Needless to say, homegirl has issues. Let’s recap how those very issues revealed themselves in Monday’s episode.
The men have been transported to Chiang Mai to continue their journey to love. According to Ames, world traveler and graduate of every ivy league school in North America, Chiang Mai is the most romantic city in Thailand, due to its majestic temples and thousands of…monkeys? Thanks for the info, A.
Harrison is waiting for the men in front of one of those very temples. Wait, no. That’s a hotel. And the men get to stay in a private villa. “Check it out boys,” Harrison says with a smug smile as the men tear past him to explore their new digs.
Meanwhile, Ashley is walking along the streets of Chiang Mai in heels and what appears to be one of Bentley’s old button up shirts and a belt. “I’m coming from a dark place,” she says. “I’m hoping that being in this romantic city will get me back on my feet.”
Look at your life. Look at your choices. Go put some real clothes on.
Back at the villa, Harrison is bringing the men back down to reality with some harsh news. This week, there will be a two-on-one date, and whoever doesn’t get the rose will be sent packing back to the U.S. post-haste. Here’s the date card. You can try to enjoy your time here, but I wouldn’t get too comfy, Harrison says over his shoulder as he struts away. Don’t go, Harrison. Don’t go … I love you.
The date card reads: “Ben F., let’s fall in love in Chiang Mai”
As good as done. “There is a 100% chance that Ashley will get kissed today,” says Ben.
Ben & Ashley’s Date
1) Ashley and Ben are appropriately decked out in matching outfits for their date. They jump into a vehicle that appears to be a cross between a bus and a rickshaw and head out for some shopping.
2) After shopping, they happen upon a temple. The two sit on a bench, hold hands and stare at each other. “Thanks for coming,” says Ash. “Thanks for having me,” says Ben. Okay, so he’s a little awkward but I find it adorable.
Ashley: “You know, you can’t kiss me here because it is such a sacred place.”
Ben: “That’s gonna be hard.” (Sweat begins to trickle down the sides of his face.)
Ashley: (inches away from his lips and breathing heavily) “Yeah I know … But for now, let’s have a mental kiss.”
Ben: “Yeah, I like the sounds of that.” (said breathlessly)
One would think that this whole exchange was very sexy and seductive. But, have a look at Ashley’s face. I’d say she’s a taaaad too eager and slightly terrifying.
3) Ashley to the camera: “There’s so much tension, I just want to jump on him. [growls] I can only imagine what tonight is going to bring.”
Did Ashley just … growl?
4) Ashley thought it appropriate to dress in a floral patterened, capri-pant romper for their dinner date. Pretty much the opposite of sexy. Pretty much something my grandma would wear. This may have contributed to why it took Ben until the end of the date to actually lay one on her. He felt weird kissing someone who looked like grammie in her gardening gear.
5) While the two are having dinner, a man in stockings kneels down to pour them wine. This sparks conversation about how Ben got into the wine business. Saying his company came from humble beginnings would be an under statement. He was inspired to become a wine maker when he and his best friend began making wine in middle school. They were able to make quite a profit selling their product to fellow classmates after school and to shady single moms. Kids do the darndest things.
Meanwhile, back at the villa…
The group date card arrives: “Love is worth fighting for”
Everybody gets called on the date except for Ben C. and William. This means that they have been selected for the two-on-one date.
Back at the date…
6) Ben is explaining to Ashley that he wants to spoil his wife and to throw parties for her and her friends. All of this sounds ideal, so Ashley is more ready than ever to kiss him. Suddenly, they find themselves surrounded by belly dancers and fire throwers. Bad choice, abc producers. What you needed to do was have surprise guest Michael Buble show up and start crooning a classic tune to get them in the mood. Once again, poor date planning on your part.
7) Just when every viewer across the country has begun to think that the date has gotten way too awkward for the couple to comfortably have a makeout session, Ben leans in for the kiss. Passion explodes between he and Ashley, much like the fire exploding from a nearby flame thrower’s mouth. What a poetic image.
Group Date
1) The men are decked out in athletic gear as they walk up to Ashley. She informs them that they will be training in muay thai, a martial art designed to destroy brain cells, vital organs and a man’s pride.
2) The guys are led to a training facility, where muay thai masters force them to sweat off all of the booze they have been consuming throughout the show thus far.
3) While many of the guys are spitting up blood and doing push ups with Ashley sitting on their backs, Ames is giving out diplomatic handshakes to the trainers and making a mental note to write out a flash card for his quiz bowl collection titled “muay thai.”
4) A trainer, disgusted by Ames’ lack of aggression, forces him to practice kicking. Poor Ames falls right on his butt, marking the first blunder in a downward spiral of physical trauma.
5) After rigorous training, the men are offered fighting uniforms and led to a boxing ring. “It’s on,” growls Ryan.
Really, Ryan? Are you able to stop thinking about rainbows, unicorns and how lucky you are not to be a soldier fighting overseas long enough to actually hit someone?
6) The fights begin. The men aren’t pulling any punches and friendships are being broken.
Seriously, where’s raincoat guy when you need him?
7) Mickey v. JP: Mickey beats the crap out of itty bitty JP and Ashley is near tears in the audience. Ryan is laughing. JP decides that he has had enough. Much like the little engine that could, he makes a huge comeback and wins the fight. Thata boy.
8. Ames v. Ryan: Well, we all can guess how this one will end. Ames’ delicate days holed up in the library studying ancient hieroglyphics under a magnifying glass haven’t prepared him for this. He takes a couple hard hits to the head, the crowd goes silent and he staggers out of the ring.
9) The next fight begins, and Ames is sitting in an open-mouthed daze. The world is beginning to blur around him. Ashley runs to get help and he is quickly escorted to a rickety ambulance, in which he is jostled around so much he receives concussion No. 2.
10) At the afte- party, Ashley is wearing yet another romper and is in yet another bad mood. As usual, she’s feeling insecure and ugly.
11) Ames shows up and tries to talk to Ashley, but he’s still feeling a little dizzy. “They tested me at the hospital, and they said that I’m completely in love and that I have a mild concussion.” … Okay, that was adorable. That cancels out him going to the hospital. He still needs to man up though.
Meanwhile, back at the villa…
The two-on-one date card arrives: “Guide me to love. Love, Ashley.”
*Bonus: A message from Harrison – “Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.”
….I just got goosebumps, did anybody else?
The dreaded two-on-one date
1) Ben C., Ashley and William head down a river on what appears to be a piece of drift wood, Huck Finn-style.
2) William pulls Ashley aside for a chat. I’m not trying to throw Ben under the bus or anything, and when I say that I mean I’m completely throwing him under the bus, but he’s not into you. He told us guys that he wants to do online dating.
3) Ashley is appalled and disgusted. She sends Ben C. home immediately without remorse. William smiles to himself.
Who’s a weasel? This guy.
4) An elephant ride later, Ash and William are sitting down to dinner and barely a minute passes before Ashley says, there’s no spark between us. You’re a terrible person. Please leave now.
BOOM. Roasted.
Rose ceremony
1) Ashley starts out the night on a great note: She tells all of the men that they most likely won’t fall in love with her.
2) Everybody is kind of confused and are beginning to wonder why they should try to fall in love with a woman who doesn’t even love herself. Constantine pipes up and admits that he can’t really envision himself being with her.
3) Ashley tries to mingle with the men but something is holding her back. Oh, wait; let me guess – she can’t keep her mind off of Bentley. Ding ding! Ten points to Gryffindor, we’ve got it right. The woman is insufferable.
4) Somebody, dear god, please hit her. Just one swift slap across the face. Use the back of your hand if you must. Harrison sits down with her yet again for a chat.
Harrison: “Are you okay?”
Ashley: “ I have to be open and honest. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about something. In order to move forward, I need to put this in the past. I know you are going to hate me, but it’s Bentley.”
Harrison: You’re right, I do hate you. So does everybody else at this point. But I’m going to try to help you, because I’m gracious and the perfect man.
Ashley: “Thank you! My head tries to forget about him and my heart goes back to him. In times of comfort, I go back to him. That’s not normal.”
Harrison: (said with a dead pan stare) “Nope. It’s not. What can I do to make this stop? You are being unfair to everyone here.”
Ashley: “I just want to talk to him and ask him a few questions”
Harrison: (holds back a strangled scream of rage) Well, I guess you haven’t noticed this but, we’re halfway around the entire world. You know, as in the other side of the planet? But that’s fine. I’ll do what I can to make this madness come to an end. Now shut up about Bentley and go give out some roses. I’m officially done with you for the night.
5) Ashley sends soul-patch guy home.
Next week: The group is in Hong Kong, Bentley returns and the men are enraged.
P.S. I recently found this little treasure:
Since Ames dropped the ball on their date, Ashley resorted to having a crew member recreate the famous Titanic scene with her. Reaching new lows, per usual.