You’re sitting in your room on a Monday night. Your roommate is out at Perkins studying with her boyfriend. Boo, that…girl. You’re stretched out under the covers and you’ve lit a couple candles. (We know RLHS; no candles in the dorms but you just don’t understand how calming the scent of vanilla sugar is to stressed nerves!) Anyway, John Mayer is playing on your iTunes library and you’re all cozy thinking, man, what a relaxing Monday night. Except you can’t seem to fall asleep comfortably. Why? Because you’re not having sex and you’re acting like an old cat lady with no prospects.
Don’t get me wrong it’s not because you aren’t a perfectly worthy slampiece. No, on a Monday night you just have more self-respect than to bootycall the hottie from compsci82. And the only reason you’re not getting it on-the-reg is because you’re playing the field like the young independent woman you should be. No, it’s not your fault. This is just one of those unbearable and agonizing moments of SEXUAL FRUSTRATION. Go ahead, toss and turn. Readers, take a moment to wince. We all know it hurts.
So how can we deal with this epidemic that infects the lonely nights and stressed out days of every student on campus (except those of us in monogamous relationships)? By the way, if that’s you then stop reading here and go away and have passionate, annoyingly cute sex or something.
Well there are a number of ways in which college students and adults alike deal with sexual frustration. Not all of them are healthy or reasonable and sometimes we forget to utilize all of our resources. So that’s why the Dirty Devil is here to help you find the right solution or you.
Let’s first go over the causes of sexual frustration. Perhaps you just haven’t found the right person yet. Maybe you’re in a long distance relationship (and if that’s the case, have I got a great solution for you!). Perhaps your ex is studying abroad in South Africa and you now realize that you’re going to have to go out and hunt for fresh meat as much as he is out there in a foreign world. Maybe you’re just between sexual partners or having a dry spell. Or you’re just ridiculously horny. Regardless of our own individual and unique situations, sexual frustration is a problem that we can try to solve, if not absolve completely.
The optimal solution is to get some. Simple as that. But that isn’t always accessible, healthy, or even necessary. It might seem necessary while you’re squirming around in bed but that feeling can quickly fade the morning after. So be cautious. Definitely go for it if you’ve found someone you really want to bang but most of us aren’t always that lucky. Hence, the sexual frustration in the first place. Basically, step one: try to have sex.
Then, there’s masturbation. Wheee! Instead of being driven up the wall by sexual frustration, think of it as the perfect opportunity to get to know yourself! How exciting! Now you can figure out exactly what kind of porn really gets you going. And you don’t have to worry about how you look or what underwear will blow his mind. You especially don’t have to worry about feeling awkward or nervous. It might be a little awkward at first but come on; it’s just like what they say about love. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else, right? I say you gotta do a little banging around down there yourself before you let someone else.
One of the less healthier but often resorted to solutions is binge eating. Food can sometimes be a sexual thing and sometimes we are so sexually frustrated that we eat food in order to quell our primal needs. You all know better than anyone that sometimes a chocolate brownie from The Refectory can taste almost (I SAID ALMOST) as good as getting nailed by that guy you’ve wanted since freshman year. Almost. So you end up eating 3 brownies when that guy doesn’t acknowledge your existence or after you see him eating matching tomato-soup-and-grilled-cheese- combos with his girlfriend of 2 years. But no one’s going to want to shag you if you get fat from your sexual insecurities! PUT DOWN THE BROWNIE. Okay, at least half the brownie. Just half. I know; it’s too good.
For the laboring long-distance ladies as well as the “we’re-in-limbo-long-distance-slash-wanting-to-be-independent-but-still-find-each-other-sexually-attractive” hunnies, the sexual frustration is only compounded. If this is you, I’m sorry. I’m very, very sorry. Revert to technology. And thanks to the 21st century and Apple your sexual frustration problem might actually be easier to solve than those back at Duke, because hey, at least you already nabbed someone who definitely wants to have sex with you. From sexting to skype sex to facetime sex, you really can’t go wrong. And you can do it all. Forget phone sex, who needs it when I can f***time you whenever I want!
So when sexual frustration rears its ugly head, just remember, we’ve all gone through it at some point and we’ll all go through it again eventually. (Hello, marriage). So blow out the candles and instead of playing John Mayer, fantasize about him. Just don’t take out your sexual frustrations like he does…there are definitely better options. Even brownies.
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