I sat in the corner of my very first passion party staring the array of sex toys presented in front of me. Vibrators, dildos, lotions, an edible candle. I was nervous at first, but as the night went on I became more comfortable talking about the most common activity of human nature – sex. However, as the woman selling us her “products” would talk about each item and pass it around, I couldn’t help but feel myself blush.
I wondered why I felt so shy about these things. Is it because religion and society tells us that sex before marriage is wrong? I doubted any women in the room were even engaged yet. Or was it because society teaches us that sex is to be enjoyed with a partner and not just by yourself? While some girls at the party laughed and joked with each new toy, others like me stared in awe, trying to comprehend all that was going on.
Sex is presented in our culture in so many different ways: wrong, right, fun, overrated, underrated. Yet over time it has become somewhat taboo to talk about in terms of fun. As a woman without a boyfriend it felt pointless for me to be at the party at all. But I started to realize that it’s okay to have fun with the idea of sex and sexuality. As long as it’s safe, it doesn’t have to be so serious right? What’s wrong with getting more comfortable with yourself or with someone else, even if it involves banana-scented lotion?
The passion went on to include games, even an activity called “which orgasm was the best.” Three girls were chosen to leave the room and give their best orgasm noise. The rest of us were to decide which girl’s orgasm noise we liked the best. It was liberating to laugh with other women and be able to freely talk about a subject so often kept in secret. We were enjoying ourselves and no man was present, they didn’t need to be.
Others may argue that to present sex in this light is wrong and dangerous. However, I would disagree. The option to buy toys for partner use is there, but there are solo toys as well for women who aren’t in a relationship. I would argue that is in fact a safe choice to make.
Some people may even blame culture for this laid back approach to sex. “But does all this sexual imagery in the air mean that sex has been liberated—or is it the case that the relationship between the multi-billion-dollar porn industry, compulsiveness, and sexual appetite has become like the relationship between agribusiness, processed foods, supersize portions, and obesity?” claims sex journalist Naomi Wolf.
The question is, is it wrong for women feel more liberated because of the way sex is presented in our culture? I think that could be interpreted many different ways, but I think passion parties actually enable women more freedom. Freedom to be open about their sex lives and have the choice to still be fulfilled without needing a man. Also, the freedom to shape their sex life the way they want to, not just what the man wants.
At the end of the party I did end up buying a little toy for myself. I can’t say I’ll use it, but it was nice to have that option available. While passion parties may not be exactly the direct alternative to safer sex or abstinence, at the very least it helps women become more comfortable with themselves and their sex lives – or lack of.
The passion party taught me that it’s okay to be shy, it’s okay to be curious, but most importantly, it’s okay to choose the kind of sex life I wanted, if I wanted one at all.