Valentine’s Day is officially over, which means A) there’s no joy in the world anymore and B) you can safely break up with your significant other without having to worry about being alone on a holiday. The next “holiday” coming up is Spring Break and, as we’ve discussed, that is the one “holiday” you don’t want to spend being tied down…unless of course you’re being literally tied down to a bed with a hot guy on top of you. In order for such hot hot hot occurrence to occur I’d recommend getting the break up over with as soon as possible. That way you can spend the next few weeks before break toning your body, honing your pick-up skills, and forgetting your ex completely.
Now, breaking up isn’t that easy. But in order to be successful, you need to figure out what kind of break up is going to work best for you…and your soon-to-be ex. There are three approaches you can take to divest yourself of your lumpy tumor of a boyfriend.
Any way you slice the break-up pie, you’re gonna have to eat a big hunk of harshness. You just need to decide which dial you want to turn to on the harsh scale: Harsh, Harsher, or Harshest. Sorry, there’s no way out. You will look like the a-hole. (Assuming you’re not a total wuss and are going to take responsibility for your actions rather than lying, cheating, or placing blame). Gauge your approach and then accept it. Don’t worry; it will be much harder for your partner to accept your break up than for you. By the time they get to the acceptance stage of their grief, you’ll be in Costa Rica or Cabo or wherever it is you chose to lose all your dignity and self-respect this March.
The Harsh: It’s not you, it’s me. There’s something wrong with me. I don’t want to be tied down anymore and I’m sorry. I love you and we’ve had a great time together but I just can’t handle it anymore. You’re perfect. It’s me.
Just ramble on about how great they are and how useless you are. Put your head in your hands and mutter confusedly. Let them stroke you and cry a little. You don’t cry. Just act numb but confused. Let the talk drag on forever. Say the same above statements over and over again in different ways. Maybe agree to be friends. Leave and don’t look back. Never look back. Return their texts. Stay in contact. Still rage on Spring Break. Let it fade out.
The Harsher: I don’t see this going anywhere. I’m sorry. I’ve got to make school and finding a job my priorities now and you just don’t fit into that. I don’t see us having a future together. It’s been fun, but I’m ready to start fresh. I need to do this for me and you should start focusing on you more too. It’s what’s best.
Don’t give them anything. Take everything. And basically tell him he was your “college boyfriend” and not “the one,” not someone you’d take home to your family for more than one holiday event. Wish him luck with the job search and tell him you just can’t see yourself with someone who doesn’t want to be in banking in New York City. Then walk away and never look back, smile every day without them, and hook up with two people on the first day of spring break. Your by-then ex will hate your guts anyway so f*ck it, do whatever the f*ck you want, you lousy jerk.
The Harshest:
Sarah @KyleluvsSarah I faked every single orgasm. #Imbreakingupwithyouovertwitter #seeyawouldntwannabeya
When it’s too hard to say in words, just say it in characters. One solid zinger is all you really need. Oh, and a couple clear and succinct hashtags. Feel free to have an amazing spring break without Kyle, or whoever’s soul you’re crushing. Maybe while you’re out there, make some new friends because you’ll probably lose all your friends when they find out you’re this rude. However, you’ll get sweet twitter props. Your tweet will probably be retweeted a couple times at least and talked about even more. All publicity is good publicity.
Whichever way you do it, first make sure your boyfriend doesn’t have a gun or a mental disorder because he may try to kill you. Good luck!