Stef On Sex, Stalking On Facebook

Facebook Communique (or Stalkerage), and what it looks like in real life
Northwestern approaches a tough time. Finals season: Long hours at the library, pretending to write those 30 pages, substantiated by 3000 pages you managed to not read. Surely, you will end up stalking your secret crush from the table you somehow snagged in core. Just hope your virtual obsession doesn’t walk by and catch you online-creeping. Here, Stef on Sex explores the real-life applications and implications of your online love etiquette.

Poke
Think about what a poke really is. A poke is a mode of interaction that the most immature and annoying specimens of humanity do when they can’t actually use words to communicate. Why Mark thought it would be a good web feature, I’m not really sure. The ‘nudge’ might have been more appropriate of a term for approach someone you don’t just want to send a ‘hi’ to. That would be too normal. When someone pokes you online, it suggests they are too uncomfortable to initiate regular standards of flirtatious conversation. When someone pokes you in real life, he likely wants to be on you. Physical contact is a good sign. Poke back, gently. And then nudge closer. And then, close that deal. None of that poke war/this is going nowhere b.s. Make it real, make it happen.

Chat
Good virtual sign: he initiates conversation via chat. Facebook chat, he’s bored or interested. (Gchat, he’s interested, involved in the world, or wants your help on homework.) He might just be drunk and near technology, too, but a drunk hand types sober thoughts? Who knows. Bad sign: all of your conversations still involve the non-word ‘sup.’ You should have left that one in seventh grade, along with the poke. Good sign: He attempts to say something beyond basic inquiries of how and what are you doing. Bad sign: He chats you every single time you sign on. And from his mobile app. Stalker status.

General Stalking
I wish I could be a fly on the wall, once sung Clay Aiken. Well, American Idol runner up, with Facebook, you can be that pesky but discrete insect of your dreams! However, stalkers are life’s runners-up. If you ever want to be more than just someone who gazes at life longingly, via photos, statuses, friend requests, and all six years of a timeline, dating back to braces, log off. Think about how much you respect people who are rarely on Facebook, with great outdoorsy cover photos. I don’t mean the types who give away their password to a friend or who shut down accounts completely in an effort to either be babysat or uber-hipster. I mean the people who are living their lives (and the stalkers among us are living vicariously through them). At a frat party, the stalking you do would look like someone standing in the corner of the room (or maybe through a vent in the wall?), staring straight at one person, noting all of that person’s interactions, picking up sound bites as the minutes, hours, and days roll by. Would you want someone invading your life like that? Well, someone probably is. I know some of you got this link from hitting up my page. Cute. I’m flattered, really.

But, general advice: shut your smartphone handygadgets off and put your Macbook in a drawer. We’re all guilty of a few extra minutes ripping through selfies of that chick who became an exotic dancer or that jacked greasy guy getting his eighth tattoo – but can we say we’re any cooler? I really, really hope so. I expect a lot from my readership. When you do meet your virtual admiration, you’ll want to have something to talk about other than his most recently tagged photo.

That concludes this week’s Stef on Sex. Look forward to a spring full of thoughts on sexting, outdoor touching, your best friend’s ex, and other general musings.

PS: Remember this hit?