Need Dr. Drew relationship advice but don’t have the sensationalistic drama to warrant TV time? Unfortunately, Real Live College Guy Ryan isn’t a reality show therapist. However, he can provide the lowdown on everything you’ve ever wanted to know about college males: how they think, act, speak and genuinely interact with the women in their lives. College-aged men are walking paradoxes, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be understood. Read on and discover how to deal with their good, bad and (often times) confusing mannerisms.
I broke up with my boyfriend of three years about seven months ago. I thought at the time that he wasn’t ‘the one,’ and so I ended it. He was devastated, and even though I was sad, I thought I had made the right decision. Seven months later, I’m missing him like crazy and think he is ‘the one.’ I think it just took some time apart for me to realize how much I love him. I want to tell him, but he’s just started to date someone else and is doing really well. I feel like if I tell him, it would be selfish on my part for ‘messing’ with him, but at the same time, I feel like I can’t not tell him. What should I do? –Heartbroken Heartbreaker at Hanover
Dear Heartbroken Heartbreaker,
As clichéd as it is to say, hindsight is always 20/20. It’s remarkably true in almost all of life’s adventures, whether it pertains to that test you (probably) should’ve studied for or that Long Island Iced Tea you (probably definitely) shouldn’t have chugged.
So of course it also applies to relationships. Especially in the case of long-term romances, reevaluating the relationship after the break-up can make one nauseous with the thought of what you’ve lost. In your case, realizing he was (probably) the “one” seven months after the fact makes your situation all the more crushing.
If he wasn’t dating someone and seemingly happy, I’d say tell him as soon as you could. Guys stew over failed relationships just as much as women. Like you mentioned, time apart does make a great relationship apparent. However, considering your current predicament, the handling becomes difficult—and “difficult” could be an understatement if he’s truly moved on.
There are a few routes you could take: the obvious (and least desirable) would be to just let him be. Of course that’s not the kind of answer you’re looking for, but if he is as content as you make him sound, it would be best for both parties. Borrowing another cliché, time does heal all. As much as it sucks right now, there are always similar guys that will make you forget your previous relationship.
You could also tell him. However, the setup here is crucial. Actually, it’s not just crucial, it’s the crux of how you’d manage to salvage anything. If you were to diffuse this ticking time bomb, you would have to make the situation as informal as possible without it seeming like some spur-of-the-moment word vomit (don’t, for example, blurt your feelings to him at a party or if you randomly came across him walking down the street). Asking to grab for coffee is always the most informal person-to-person meeting you could set up. I’d stray from making dinner and/or lunch plans as those always infer something more than meeting up. Position the meeting as if you want to just catch up as friends, as that’s essentially what you’re doing.
Don’t—I repeat don’t—lead the conversation off with your mistake. See what’s new in his life, how school’s going, etc. Let the rapport between you two build before any relationship conversation starts. Now, this doesn’t mean he’ll be open to discussing his new relationship nor does it mean that he’d be willing to chat about your break-up. However, if you sense that he’s willing to discuss the past, subtly chat about how it’s going and calmly explain your discovery. If he doesn’t see his current fling as long-lasting, then your avenue could be clear for getting back together. If not, don’t sweat it—you learn through trial and error. There’s always another “one” to meet.