Since I was a little girl hanging out with my mom, I’ve enjoyed watching “The Bachelorette” on Monday nights. I was fascinated by the relationships built among contestants, and as the finale came closer to the decision, I would choose my favorites and marital “picks.”
The one thing I could never understand about the show was the bachelorette’s inability to decide on a “winner.” If you really love someone, shouldn’t the decision be clear long before the final ceremony? What a pathetic problem to have, right?
However, in recent years I’ve realized that I was a little too quick to judge. After some time, experience, and deep thought during commercials, I think I understand the issue at hand.
The final two contestants were always very different from one another, and brought very different qualities to the table. It was always as if the two of them created the perfect partner, as opposed to one individual standing out drastically. That is why the couples on the show never work out; the loser had characteristics the winner didn’t possess. The bachelorette no longer had the relationship that made her happy; which was, in reality, just a combination of both men’s attributes.
The most dramatic and important episode of the show is the finale, where the bachelorette is forced to choose between two amazing guys. Sure, by this point she has definitely developed feelings for both of them, but eventually she’s left with one rose, and a final decision. Its rare, but occasionally we too have to choose between two suitors. Unfortunately, Chris Harrison isn’t always there to help you through it, and you’re not in the Bahamas.
Your heart doesn’t talk. So, if you’re listening to it and waiting for a clear-cut answer, you’re not going to get one. Use your brain; make a decision.
Why do I have to choose? Why go through a breakup if there isn’t monogamy anyways?
I have been having this issue ever since freshman year of high school. Its not a matter of me being extraordinary in any way, its just a matter of my indecisiveness. My best guy friend at the time was all about me, and he treated me like gold. In return, I followed some other guy around like a puppy who didn’t give me the time of day. I let it go on for too long, I lost a best friend, and I got my heart broken by some jerk that I was never really compatible with in the first place.
1. To protect their feelings. Many of us women are under the impression that men are evil creatures who were put on earth for the sole purpose of breaking our hearts. This may be true of your ex-boyfriend, but many guys are just as sensitive as we are. Whether you’re exclusive or not, you have to remember that with time comes intimacy, and the longer you wait it out the more feelings can grow. It’s not fair to let someone continue develop feelings for you if you are seeing multiple people.
2. To benefit your sexual health. “As far as I know I’m the only person he’s hooked up with all year.” Sure, you may be right. However, does he know you’ve been seeing someone else? Just as he is unsure about your rendezvous, you really DON’T know what he’s been up to. Even though all of us would love to believe we are immune to any sort of diseases, we’re not. Normal people like you and I can contract something; it’s not always the girls you expect who test positive.
3. To move forward. In order for a relationship to grow and progress, you have to have a relationship. Keyword: “A” relationship. You may not think you’re at the right point in your life for one, but in reality you’ve probably put a lot of effort into juggling two of them. Channel the energy you’ve already been putting out in one single direction. The holiday season is coming, and you don’t want his present to be the last one you buy because you’re “unsure” of your status.
When do I have to choose?
As someone who has been on 13 first dates by the ripe age of 19, I clearly have no issue accepting free dinners. If you are casually dating a few guys at once, its whatever- for a little while. Enjoy the shrimp cocktail before it turns into frozen dinners and Netflix. However, once you begin to feel or even sense a “hint” of guilt, its time to start forming a decision. The longer you let this go on, the more of a burden it will become.
Remember, nothing is permanent unless we make it that way. You might realize you made the wrong decision. However, sometimes “what’s meant to be will find its way.” Bachelor, Jason Mesnick, broke up with his original choice, and is now married to the girl he turned down at the final rose ceremony. If two people have strong enough mutual feelings, they will usually end up together in the long run.
How do I decide?
1.) Don’t choose to be with someone just because they care about you. As I said before, we all obviously want to be loved and admired. Its what boosts our confidence and puts the pep in our step. However, just because you’re “everything” a guy wants doesn’t mean you’re a perfect match. You work hard to be you, and you’re fabulous, why wouldn’t someone want to be with you? He’s just the only one who realizes it right now. It isn’t worth it to keep someone around just because they treat you right. Sure it sounds wrong, but you shouldn’t compromise your happiness for someone else’s. In Ali Fedotowski’s season, contestant Kasey got a tattoo that he told her was meant to symbolize that he would “guard and protect” her heart. If she can turn down permanent body ink, you can tell someone your honest feelings.
2.) Don’t choose NOT to be with someone just because they care about you. Guys love the chase, but we love the challenge. We don’t want to have to pursue a guy (the dreaded first text, no thank you!), but we want to give THEM a reason to want us! If a guy shows too much interest “too soon” we get freaked out. However, it is possible that this guy could be the right guy for you. If you’d be upset if he didn’t want to be with you anymore, would it be a matter of being egotistical, or do you actually care about this person? Think about it…
3.) Look at the situation at face value. You have beautiful late night conversations with one guy, but he’s MIA during the week? Okay, you may have a great connection, and you may be extremely attracted to one another, but if anything were to come of this, it would have begun to at this point. You’re not Mila Kunis, he’s not Justin Timberlake, and you’re not living in a movie. This is reality, you’re just friends with benefits. I know what you’re thinking- you’ve never had the “we’re FWB talk,” well you’ve also never had a talk about exclusion, and this has been going on for how long now? It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but you just have to keep in mind what you’re looking for.
4.) Ask yourself what is keeping you with each guy. Is it a matter of how long you’ve been together? Many people see time as an accomplishment, especially when it comes to relationships. Is it pure convenience? Maybe this guy is at the same parties as you every weekend. Maybe he’s just hot! Or do you truly feel like there is a deeper connection; a possibility for a meaningful, lasting relationship.
Let’s be honest- if either guy was overwhelmingly perfect for you we would not be having this discussion. I relate and understand your need for companionship, which is why I say choose one for now, have some fun, probably realize he’s not right for you, and move on. Take a lesson from the notorious relationship failures of the Bachelor; if your decision isn’t blatantly obvious, then it probably won’t work out in the long run.