*AUTHOR’S NOTE: This is intended to be a piece of satire. Instead of being quick to cast judgment on someone, remember the last time you were in that person’s place!
There’s really no tactful way for me to put this, so I guess I’ll just come right out and say it: I am completely without flaws and therefore have every right to cast judgment on your choices and behavior. Yup, that’s right. Never once have I experienced a moment of imprudence, irresponsibility, indiscretion, or indulgence, and so any behavior of yours that I see as being worthy of censure you better believe I’m going to call out. Here are just a few reasons why I have felt compelled to judge you:
Because you decided to wear a tight bandage skirt to a party where I decided to wear jeans. Though the number of people in that basement at least quadrupled its maximum capacity, and some sweaty stranger had me cornered against the hot water heater as he gyrated his body next to mine, and I was completely drenched in my own bodily perspiration, the fact remains that you were flagrantly displaying your bare legs for the world to see while mine were clothed beneath a stifling layer of denim, so I felt like I had a right to judge you.
Because you decided to get a burger and fries for dinner even after you heard me order a piece of grilled chicken. Sure, I didn’t feel the least bit satiated after eating my dry chicken breast and proceeded to spend the night dreaming about mozzarella sticks, but you didn’t even blink an eye at my overtly health-conscious order and proceeded to place your calorically-heavier burger without a hint of apology, so I felt like I had a right to judge you.
Because you didn’t do the reading for class. And it was clear that you weren’t prepared, because when the professor called on you, you simply shrugged and said, “Sorry, I didn’t get a chance to do the reading today.” I mean, I haven’t done the reading for the past three weeks, but whenever I’m called on I at least am able to feign like I have done it, so I felt like I had a right to judge you.
Because you tripped up the stairs. You couldn’t have known that it was going to rain when you left your dorm room and walked into the sunshine at 8:30 this morning and that’s why you wore those completely inappropriate high-heeled booties to class, but a miscalculated step has caused you to take a terribly inelegant tumble in front of all your peers, so I felt like I had a right to judge you.
Because you wore sweatpants to class on a day I dressed up. I don’t care that you were sick and had three exams and a paper due that day and you had just found out that your boyfriend of three years had dumped you via Facebook inbox message, I was sporting a cute blazer while you shuffled into class wearing a stained Cape Cod crewneck that screamed of despondency, so I felt like I had a right to judge you.
Because I saw you hook up with someone I know at a party. I knew the person you were playing tonsil hockey with in the middle of the crowded basement and I didn’t know you, making you into Some Random Girl Who Was Making Out with That Guy Who Was in My Freshman Orientation Group, so I felt like I had a right to judge you.
Because I saw you hook up with someone I don’t know at a party. For all I knew the two of you were desperately in love and engaging in some consensual PDA, but, from my perspective, you were just two randos tastelessly going at it like carnal animals in a Mod, so I felt like I had a right to judge you.
Because I saw you really drunk at a party. Oh yes, I saw you in that Mod Friday night, three sheets to the wind and tossing your limbs about on the dance floor like the night would never end, laughing too loudly and Snapchatting all your friends in the kitchen. However, I happened to be fairly sober that night, standing stiffly in the corner with a clear head and a watchful eye, so I felt like I had a right to judge you.
Because you pursued a boy too hard. Rumor has it that after you hooked up with that guy last weekend you actually had the audacity to text him that following Tuesday and ask him to get lunch with you and then, when he said that he couldn’t, you proceeded to ask him if he would be interested some other time. Though I, too, may hope that each hookup will blossom into something more, I’m too diffident to actively pursue a relationship myself, so I felt like I had a right to judge you.
Because you cared about a boy too much. When that person you hoped to develop a relationship with started to ignore your text messages, and you realized that your fleeting intimacy was really not the beginnings of a promising relationship but really nothing at all, and you let yourself feel hurt by this discouraging turn of events, I pretended that I wasn’t able to relate, because for once I wasn’t in your shoes, and so I felt like I had a right to judge you.
Photo Sources:
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Emotions_g96-Beautiful_Woman_Pointing_Out_p74904.html
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Learning_g376-Teenager_Girl_With_Opened_Notebook_p92493.html
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/Gestures_g185-Teenage_Girl_Pointing_Sideways_p91050.html