Ah, Rhodes. After a long Christmas break of family time, curfews (Mom, I don’t even go out until 11, you’re being ridiculous!), and socializing with high school friends who somehow seem infinitely less interesting than they were three years ago, it’s good to be back. Back to friends, parties, stimulating intellectual discussion and…single-ply toilet paper.
Okay, so maybe the transition back to college life isn’t all smiles and celebratory YOLO, especially after a long break. In order to make the first weeks back a little more enjoyable (and less disgusting )I’ve included a few helpful hints.
1). You’re going to have to start wearing shoes again.
Sure, it was great frolicking about at home, toes-free to feel the wind and carpet and fire and such. But one bare foot on this dorm linoleum, and you will most definitely have to amputate a digit. Shower shoes and slippers it is, please.
2). You need to re-learn how to use your phone alarm.
As nice as it was so lose all sense of time for the entire month of December, you’ve re-entered the real world. Your mom simply isn’t here to sneak into your room, sit on the edge of your bed, place her hand on your shoulder and whisper, “Sweetie, it’s time to wake up for 8am Bio lab.” And I have a pretty good feeling your professors won’t accept the excuse “My mom forgot!” Hello Taylor Swift ringtone, it’s good to hear you again.
3). The fro-yo machine is still not your friend.
With family dinners, Christmas parties, and the general sense of shame you feel after being caught trying to shove four puff pastries in your mouth at the same time, being at home has a sort of built-in serving size. It seems contradictory, when you think of cookies and Grandma’s pie…but then you think about the Rat. As some sort of sick ploy to make all students obese, Rhodes has not only stepped up their dessert game, but placed the dessert display right in the entrance of the food area, aka, when you’re the most hungry. But if you want any chance of salvaging your bikini body by spring break, STEP AWAY FROM THE FRO-YO. I REPETE. STEP AWAY.
4). You should probably invest in a pair of boxing gloves.
Remember that moment, around 1am on January 1st, when you rather obnoxiously lifted your glass and screamed at everyone who would listen that “I’m going to be hottest freaking girl on the beach” and then started detailing the intricacies of your work out plan? And then, you saw the Victoria’s Secret fashion show a few days later, and REALLY decided you were going to do that plan? Well, so did everyone else. The college gym facility has becomes a fight club. Girls are staking out cardio equipment, the free weights are chaos, and don’t even get me started on the abs station – you could lose an arm just trying to grab a med ball. With fresh New Year’s resolutions, the prospect of bikinis right around the corner, and the issue discussed in point #3, half of your workout will be finding a place to workout.
5). You should immediately begin chugging orange juice…
…cause you’re going to get sick. Remember all those cute signs that ResLife hung around the dorm, with clever reasons why your should get your flu shot, and when you were wandering around the dorm that random Tuesday you thought to yourself, “Maybe I should do that” but instead proceeded to watch Netflix for four straight hours? Right. Well as if travel, additional stress from the new semester, and Memphis weather (should I wear shorts or a parka today? I honestly don’t know.) weren’t enough to send your body into overload, Rhodes has literally turned into a petri dish for breeding disease. You can’t make it across the Middle Ground without getting sneezed on. The hand-rails in Palmer are infested with viruses. I’m afraid to walk around the dorm without a gas mask. And to make it all worse, parties are starting up again. Nothing like shoving hundreds of people in a tiny room where they can share drinks, and, well, saliva. Pump up your vitamin C, Rhodants, cause it’s flu season.