University of Michigan’s Pi Kappa Alpha, or “Pike,” must have racked their brains for a while to think of the most overtly exhibitionist way to ask their sorority, Alpha Phi, to attend an America-themed party they hosted this past Friday. Check out the original innovative (read: chauvinistic) invitation these scandalous patriots emailed to their female counterparts last Wednesday.
“Subject: Cute Puppies, Organic Gourmet, High Fashion, and How to Make Him Eat Your Box (aka URGENT!!!!)
Patriettes,
Do you love your homeland? We at Pike sure do. We read Whitman’s poems by our fireplace and pour maple syrup on our apple pie. We hold Alexander Hamilton’s belief that keg stands are not “a feat, but an expectation.” We recognize His benevolence in bestowing upon us His great and Holy game of Football, and one of our sophomores drives a pick-up truck. We exercise our 4th amendment right to drink beer through any orifice we want. We paddle pledges because it’s a comprehensive upper body workout. We invoke imagery of James Madison to describe particularly attractive females. And because the effort to throw our parties is entirely our own, we see to it that the grand majority of our peers remain uninvited, and presumably underemployed with little to no health benefits.
What is America? America is a place where drinking until you puke means drinking until you win. America invented the blunt. And LSD. America is disregarding next week’s midterms because Kamchatka doesn’t drink itself. America does not let the bartender cut her off. America. America is the love child of 2 Chainz, Kate Upton, and Tim Tebow. America is the Doritos Locos taco and Mountain Dew Baja Blast. America is John Wayne and Ice Cube and Ronald Reagan and Andrew Carnegie. America. America is the Louisiana Purchase and defending The Alamo. America gave the world Hostess and then pioneered the capital management metrics which shut that shit down. America is losing legs in ‘Nam and hazing terrorists in Abu Gharib. America invented the condom, and promptly outlawed it. America.
If the preceding two paragraphs didn’t excite you at all, I suggest that you stay alert for a forthcoming drone attack, you terrorist whore. If, however, you count yourself a red-blooded, God-fearing American girl who has a specific spring-time gym routine to accommodate her summer-time jean shorts, come to Pike this Friday night around 10:00. (Be fashionably late. That’s America.) Wear your most patriotic threads as we celebrate this great country together.
Need some outfit ideas? A few of us created an inspirational piece with some possible suggestions. Trim fingernails before viewing.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/93159884@N05/8470987382/sizes/k/in/photostream/
Redistribution prohibited without expressed written consent of WangTown Photography, LLC. (Copyright 2013)
Through the night with a light from above,
Pike Social”
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These cheeky (ew, literally) boys simply meant to shock and entertain, a mission which they half-accomplished, but it’s understandable that their message has rubbed a few females the wrong way. Given that their email pretty much says “Don’t come to our party if you don’t love America and look good in short shorts,” and that it’s punctuated with crude photographs of their just-barely-covered bodies, you can see how girls might not be excited to down a few brews with such misogynistic bros.Â
Pike’s social chairman laughed at this interpretation of their antics, saying he and his brothers were simply looking to “create a buzz” and didn’t expect “every frat and sorority to get their hands on” the invitation, though in retrospect, there are some clear flaws in such a thought process. Maybe next time they should go for something a little tamer… and a little less naked.