Reality Show Recap: “What Would Lochte Do?”

A new show aired on E! following the life of Olympic swimmer and total babe Ryan Lochte. The series is titled, “What Would Lochte Do?” After watching the first two episodes, I can say that the answer is always: act like a douche.

Don’t get me wrong–I love Lochte. Despite always falling short of swim-prodigy Phelps in the water, Lochte easily makes up for it in looks. The guy’s a total 10–tall, tan, and chiseled to perfection. He’s everything a girl could want in a guy…just as long as he isn’t speaking or attempting anything that requires common sense.

The red flags should have gone up when Lochte came around with the quote,”I want to be the next Kim Kardashian.” The world cannot handle (nor does it want) another Kardashian, let alone another Kim. So for the sake of humanity–just stay in the pool, Ryan.

Here’s a quick summary of a few painful highlights from the first episodes:

His career in fashion-  Just…no. The only thing Lochte looks good in is a speedo. Walking around in those graphic tee’s of his self-proclaimed “catch phrases” is only feeding into his nickname of “America’s Sexiest Douchebag.” Ryan has clearly suffered from a case of swimmer’s ear, hindering his ability to hear that no one likes a graphic tee. Unless you’re Pauly D or a 6 year-old boy, odds are you can’t pull it off.

“Jeah”-  Stop trying to make Jeah happen, it’s never going to happen. The main catchphrase is to be pronounced, “JEEEE,” quickly followed by “ya”. And, don’t you dare pronounce it as “Jeyah,” or you run the risk of sounding stupid. 

The swag-  If grills didn’t work for Paul Wall, they certainly aren’t going to work for you.

The Lochterage- His band of loyal followers that serve no purpose but to feed into his ego. It’s made up of his younger and less attractive brother Devon (sorrky, kid), the too-close-for-comfort personal assistant Gene, and a posse of randos. Granted hanging around that body all day does sound ideal, these people better be getting paid for having to “turn it up” (catchphrase #2) with him every night.

The date- After asking out nearly every girl in the bar, one blonde finally accepted the offer. You’d think for a gold medalist he would at least have a little game. Nonetheless, the girl seemed relatively normal, until she admited to not knowing what sushi was. I’m sorry, what..?

Despite my high hopes of seeing Lochte on TV everyday, I can’t imagine this show making it to the completion of even one season. I mean, the guy can barely complete a sentence. When asked what happens on those oh-so-often blank moments Ryan responded, “I don’t even know..something will pop up in my head…all of a sudden, I’ll have like a jumping banana in my head, and I’ll stop and pause and be like, ‘that damn jumping banana.'” 

…So that’s that.