“We need to talk” are probably the four most dreaded words to say or hear when in a relationship. Regardless of your role in a break-up, the conversation following that line can be the start of an uncomfortable emotional rollercoaster.
It isn’t easy to go through a break-up, especially when you’ve been together a long time. At one point, your mind starts to wonder if a “friendship” like you had with your ex in the beginning is ever possible.
In a perfect world, a genuine friendship with your ex-beau could work. Realistically, the chances are slim, but you can attempt to feed your curiosity. If all else fails, you can at least say you tried.
After speaking to a number of collegiettes™ and -gents, I’ve compiled a few key points that kept coming up in conversation. Take a look for yourself:
Give yourself time
Give yourself time to cry, stay in bed for a day, and watch rom-coms. This is the time to eat a gallon of cookies and crème ice cream and cry about all the time, energy, and money you spent on this guy, who you’ve realized is a complete loser. After you’ve reenacted this typical post-day break-up scene from your favorite chick flick, get up and make yourself this promise: you’re going to take time to make yourself happy. This also means to restrain from picking up your phone to call or text him. The length of time varies person by person. It may take you a month, 6 months, a year or more to get over your ex. This may seem like a lifetime, but you’ll be able to grow in the end.
Learn from mistakes
Even though you may be upset at your ex for being the most horrible person to walk the face of the Earth, be thankful for this relationship. No matter how much time you think you’ve wasted, soak in the great memories and learn from them. It takes two to be in a relationship, but it also takes two to argue. Despite the at-fault ratio, both of you somehow contributed to what escalated the break-up. The point is not to make the same mistakes, especially if you’re trying to be friends again.
Respect his space
Just as you need time to mourn over the end of your relationship, so does he. The longer you two were together, the harder it will be to become friends again. Both hearts need to heal. He may not want to be friends with you at all after the break-up. If this is the case, respect his decision and accept it. You’ll know when you’re ready to give friendship a shot, and so will he. Take this time to focus on yourself and expand your circle of friends. There are more than 7 billion people on Earth — plenty to choose from.
Keep It Simple
This means terms of “friends with benefits” do not apply. If you really want a friendship, it has to be platonic. No kissing, no flirting, and definitely no sex. If you do tackle FWB, you’re just setting yourself up for failure. If you decide you’re ready to date other people, there’s no need to tell you’re ex about the hot date you have later. You can save the more detailed and emotional conversations for your closest friends, write your feelings in a journal or even share it with a random online. In other words, pretty much anyone in the world other than your ex.
Keep it Short
Don’t try to analyze your relationship with him or reach out to him when you are feeling down. If you feel like you can’t live without talking to him, keep it short and sweet. How much is there really to talk about other than your past? Once you feel like you find yourself wanting to bring up the past, stop! You two may get back together, but unless you are sure about opening that door again, don’t become too emotionally invested because it doesn’t leave any room for someone else to get to know the gem you are.
Be alert of expectations and boundaries
Your ex may realize breaking up was a huge mistake and want to get back together. You may be the one who is fed up with this relationship and just doesn’t want to deal with the drama again. Whatever the case may be, don’t expect for a friendship to be the gateway to rekindle your past relationship. If you’re the one who initiated the break-up, don’t think a friendship will always make things better. The other person may think you’re intentions are to get back together, and if that’s not the case, then you’re only making it harder for the other person to get over the relationship and move on.