Dear K,
I feel like I am a very real and very nice person but I find that a ton of people dislike me but love my best friend. Why does this happen? My best friend and I are a lot alike in personality and level of socialization, compassion/caring, etc so why is it that I am constantly finding out that our mutual friends weren’t actually my friends at all?
– Frustrated Friend
Dear Frustrated Friend,
Best friendship dynamics can be difficult, especially when you are forced into a feeling of competitiveness. There are a few troubles that you are dealing with here, and if you can address each of them separately, you will have better luck and be happier with yourself and your friend situation!
First of all, you are you; you are not your best friend. We often feel closest to those who are very similar to ourselves, and sometimes we begin to feel like we are one in the same–I have certainly had my fair share of best friends who felt more like twins! Nonetheless, you are completely unique. There are aspects of your personality that make you uniquely you! You have different life stories, different experiences, different tastes and that makes you pretty awesome. Instead of constantly looking at your best friend’s friends and assuming they should like you equally because you are the same, remember that you are different and will form bonds and relationships differently!
Secondly, don’t quickly assume that people don’t like you. Like I said, everyone interacts in different ways, and sometimes your friendships will appear to be different, but that does not mean they are weaker. Furthermore, instead of dwelling on those people you do not necessarily click with, look out for new friendships to form! Although you may be very similar to your best friend, that does not mean you are confined to the same friends. Introduce yourself to classmates, teammates, club-mates, and get to know some new people.
Lastly, remember that this is college–don’t let high school habits follow you. Gossip will always exist, but you do not need to let it dictate the things you do or how you feel. Although you may not be friends with everyone on campus, you certainly have friends that love being around you and genuinely spending time with you. Instead of focusing on those who you maybe don’t feel a very real connection with, look to focus on the friends you have that are genuine, true friends.
It is difficult to not compare yourself to others, but sometimes you just have to remember that you rock. Friendships can come and go as people change and find who they really are. Look to form genuine, long-lasting friendships that are based on people who like you, not just your best friend.
Xo,
K
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