To keep up with the Halloween spirit, movie theaters are blowing up with disturbing, scary, and downright terrifying films (see: Annabelle) to satisfy the horror obsessive in all of us. In case you’re interested in checking any of them out, here is a quick review of 5 of 2014’s new horror movies.
Disclaimer: I have not read the description for or seen any of these films. I am not an official movie critic and have only watched the trailers.
Ouija
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_T1Jj1inE8M
Gore-Level (1-10): 3
Gasp Tally: 3
LOL Count: 2
Number of Creepy Dolls That Will Give You Nightmares for Weeks: 1
Final Verdict: The premise of this film is confusing: girl plays with Ouija board, girl dies and her parents let 6 friends sit in their house and play with same Ouija board? I also don’t see the problem, this seems like a nice (albeit spelling challenged) ghost, maybe all she wants is a friend (excuse me – frend). While this film is full of young attractive people just waiting to get dragged into a fiery abyss, the horror factor is definitely not up to par.
Deliver us from Evil
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1SDtKoTkzc
Gore-Level (1-10): 5
Gasp Tally: 9
LOL Count: 0
Number of Creepy Dolls That Will Give You Nightmares for Weeks: No dolls, but what the heck is wrong with that stuffed owl?
Final Verdict: You know it’s going to be a good movie if the trailer starts with a good rain scene and a dramatic inner monologue, which actually had me thinking that this was going to be a psychological thriller. Then BAM, the woman starts clawing at the dirt and speaking nonsense. This trailer might have ruined jack-in-the-boxes for me forever, but I would definitely recommend watching this movie.
Annabelle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paFgQNPGlsg
Gore-Level (1-10): 2
Gasp Tally: 8
LOL Count: -1
Number of Creepy Dolls That Will Give You Nightmares for Weeks: thousands
Final Verdict: Do horror movie actors get taught how to crawl across the floor in the most inefficient manner possible? Because they always get caught in the end and Elizabeth Bank’s doppelgänger is no exception. Featuring Frozen’s Anna: Zombie Edition, this film will leave you frightened of dolls, babies, women obsessed with babies, and children’s lullabies. Usually when you see “From the Maker’s of…” you get a little worried, but this trailer does The Conjuring justice and leaves me horrified all over again.
Horns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8s_1UcdoNI
Gore-Level (1-10): 1
Gasp Tally: 0
LOL Count: 7
Number of Creepy Dolls That Will Give You Nightmares for Weeks: 0
Final Verdict: Oh Daniel….why? Just why? Despite the Halloween release date and “Suspense/Thriller” classification, I’m not even sure this is a horror movie. This trailer really puts the horror in horror-ble, but our Harry Potter-loving hearts may need to see this for Daniel Radcliffe alone.
ABC’s of Death 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6_3PjQBsdM
Gore-Level (1-10): 0
Gasp Tally: 1 (at the audacity of the naked man running up to people on the street)
LOL Count: 10
Number of Creepy Dolls That Will Give You Nightmares for Weeks: Nothing about this film will give me nightmares.
Final Verdict: When was there an ABC’s of Death 1? And was it actually good enough to get a second one? I spent the first 30 seconds of this trailer thinking it was a commercial for some Legos™ rip-off and the last minute and a half wondering what I was watching. This is definitely not a horror movie – the most terrifying part about it was the man-eating hamburger. 26 ways to die? More like 26 ways to question the sanity of these directors.
UPDATE: Watched ABC’s of Death 1 trailer. Definitely did not warrant a sequel.
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It looks like those of you who want to stay in this Halloween weekend will have some good (and some not so good) options to watch….
Forget it, you should just go watch American Horror Story!