Starting off a new semester can be difficult. It can be intimidating to meet and learn from completely different professors, especially if you feel like you’ve just gotten used to the ones from last semester. The undisputable way to start off this soon-to-be successful semester begins with unlocking a magical box, which contains the secrets of the infamous suck up. I now hand you the keys.
WARNING: You will lose all of your friends
The first rule about being a suck up is that you never admit to sucking up. You never know what professor is lurking behind a wall, detrimentally overhearing your confession. Once the secret is out, none of the following tactics can be used in the time you spend at that academic institution.
The second rule is that you never give out any real personal information. You are no longer your own person. In fact, you are a chameleon. You are happily transforming into the person that is unconditionally adored by professors worldwide. The following are some general guidelines to the new life you now lead. (Advanced Note: Of course, you may have to slightly shift your strategy depending on the target professor’s department and personal characteristics).
You now consider the professor to be a very approachable adult. Go into their office and introduce yourself. Talk about you. If you are willing to talk about yourself, you’re willing to put time and effort into the relationship. You want the professor to get to know you. Be an open book. Be an open book that lands right in their lap yelling at them to read it. Wait a couple of weeks and ask them for advice on something. Walk by their office and poke your head in to say hello (literally say “I just wanted to poke my head in and say hello”). Then proceed to have a 20 minutes heartfelt conversation about a life crisis that you have made up. Bid farewell with a, “Thanks for talking with me but I have to run (insert academic excuse here). See you tomorrow in class!” And remember, this relationship must extend outside of the office. Smile super big and wave hello enthusiastically in passing. Most of the time professors are stressed and are rushing somewhere. Know that you are the shining ray of sunshine that brightens up their day.
Be the stalker you know you can be. Find things you have in common with them and nonchalantly bring them up. Know their schedule. Wait at their office door and conveniently walk the same way as they are going. Ask them how their day is. Offer to carry their books. This works best if you can “bump into them” on the way to the class you have with them. Find out when their birthday is, but more importantly, be the first one who says it when that glorious day rolls around.
Wear the same clothes they do. Adopt their style. Compliment them on an accessory, such as their shoes or their fedora. Bring multiple options to change into in case your outfit does not match. Shame on you for making a false prediction, but you will earn back points when you think ahead in case of emergencies. The spare change of clothes will be even handier when you “bump into” your professor (again) rounding a corner, causing them to spill coffee on their sweater. Oh look, you have an extra. Oh my gosh, it even matches their outfit for that day. Congratulations, you are now their knight in shining armor.
Most importantly, keep records records records. These records will make your life that much easier when plotting ways to get closer to your teacher. Keep a detailed journal about the non-academic interests the professor lets slide in a lecture or into one of the hundreds of conversations you inevitably have with them. In order to be the most stellar suck up, invest in a tape recorder. This is great for instant (as well as delayed) replays and ensures that everything is documented in more than one place. Understand that this tape recorder is in addition to your journal. (Fun fact that one learns from sucking up to a Psychology professor: when you write things down, more information will transfer out of your short-term memory and into your long-term memory.)
Pretty soon, you will be able to whip out the most useful fact at the most beneficiary time. Use your notes! You are now interested in what they do inside and outside of school. You now share the same aspirations. You also share the same sense of humor. Laugh at their jokes in class. Laugh so hard that a tear rolls down your left cheek. It is imperative that you tell them how much you appreciated their joke(s) immediately after class. When you praise your professor, make sure to be at the front of the class and speak loudly, similar to making a scene. Professors love being at the center of attention. (This is obviously why they stand when everyone else in the room is seated while teaching their lessons.)
Because you like all of the same food, bring treats to class (e.g. cupcakes, candy, cookies) and ask if they would like one. You simply have way too many and need help indulging. “No really please take some professor, you would be doing you the favor.”
The one thing that is always forgotten by even the most stellar of suck ups is the gifting. Buy small presents based on little side comments they make in class. Example: The professor lets it slip that he has four cats at home. He clearly is obsessed with cats. Buy a cat calendar and give it to the professor. This is the perfect gift. A tricky story can be made up such as, “I remember you talking about (insert the names of his four cats here) when I found this in my room. I already have a (insert another thing you two “have in common” here) calendar and figured you would appreciate this one. Everyone loves to be thought of, and a small gift like this really screams I’ve been thinking a whole lot about you.
With these rough suggestions in mind, you’re ready. Go forth and be loved by all (of your professors, because you are now officially loathed by the rest of the student population).