Relationships take work, but it’s not necessarily alright to take your relationship to work. At least, that’s probably what your friends will tell you when you say you have a crush on your TA.
We’ve all had crushes on TAs (teaching assistants, for the uninitiated) at some point or another, and it certainly doesn’t help that my department is famous for its attractive graduate student population. But there are two sides to the issue of taking a crush on a TA further and going on a date with him/her. While your TA may be hot and smart and maybe he even flirts with you during class, he is likely to get in serious trouble for what may seem like a harmless flirtation. And dating a TA? Well, that’s a whole other matter…
Older men have a certain appeal. They know what they’re doing (at least they exude the attitude of having a plan), they’re more mature than our classmates, and they seem closer to settling down with a serious relationship.
Brianna,* a student at Pitt, says: “I was attracted immediately to my TA because of his confidence and the maturity with which he approached everything. I was tired of dating guys who had burping contests and played video games in front of the TV even when I was over. My TA was off limits, but it only made him more appealing.”
This is true for many collegiettes. After all, there’s nothing quite like going after what is forbidden, right? But your TA is first and foremost your teacher. And as long as you are in his class, pursuing a relationship with him will probably not – and should not – progress past the flirtation stage.
Why is a relationship with your TA unlikely to blossom?
Take a step back and ask yourself how well you actually know the guy. Is he anything more than a [really] attractive face? If you take the time to get to know him, will he be worth it? These are questions you might ask yourself about any guy, but with a TA, getting hurt can mean more than just a broken heart. Grades are in the mix as well. If you and your TA actually do take your flirtation to the level of a relationship while you are in his class, you could be putting your grades in jeopardy if you break up with him for any reason. TAs might be professionals inside the classroom, but they can feel the pangs of jealousy or anger just as potently as you or I can.
And while dating a guy who is older than you is usually never an issue, power inequalities are unfortunately a larger threat when you are dating your TA. Many collegiettes feel the pressure of living up to the standards of an older guy. Additionally, the knowledge that your degree of equality changes based on whether you are in or out of the classroom can create instability in the relationship that can leave collegiettes vulnerable. Knowing that your partner has more power in your relationship is detrimental. Relationships should be centered on equality.
The last reason to avoid dating your TA is because it could get both of you in trouble. Your TA’s entire job depends on his maintaining a professional attitude, and dating a student is always held against the TA if the situation should be publicized.
Caroline,* a student at the University of Pittsburgh, says: “It’s bad enough that you’re essentially having an advantage over your classmates by holding your TAs affection, but if anyone found out and made it known to your professor, your TA’s career could be ruined.” It’s more than just maintaining decorum; it’s a matter of keeping a career.
So I shouldn’t date him? Ever?
After you graduate from the class taught by the object of your desire, there is absolutely no reason not to pursue a relationship with your TA. He won’t be your TA any longer, right? He will just be another older guy, and one who just happens to have known you as a student in the past.
“My current boyfriend used to be my TA,” says Sarah,* a student at Pitt. “I used to think he was attractive in class freshman year, but never acted on it. Lucky me, because a week after I graduated from his class, he sent me a friend request on Facebook and asked for my number. We’ve been dating for nearly three years now.”
So if you’re crushing hard on your TA, don’t worry – all isn’t lost. Wait until you are no longer his student before approaching him as a friend, however. Dating an older guy, even one who used to be your TA, isn’t very complicated if you’re not putting both your sanity and his job on the line. So take my advice and don’t let your dreams about dating your TA become a reality – yet. Who knows where the future will take you?!