‘Queer employee etiquette,’ how queer collegiettes should behave at work, isn’t nearly as defined and communicated as mainstream workplace practices. In order to make it easier for our queer collegiettes, we talked to Justine Kelly-Fierro, Assistant Director of Counseling & Student Services at NYU Steinhardt and the Co-Chair of Professional Development for NYU’s Pride at Work Initiative, to help you navigate work as a queer employee, especially in states where discrimination, like unfair treatment in the workplace, may unfortunately still be legal. If you follow this guide, you’ll feel confident and carefree at work. Good luck, collegiettes!
How does queer employee etiquette differ from mainstream workplace practices?
“Etiquette is about following societal rules and conforming to norms of behavior in a given situation,” Kelly-Fierro says. “In the workplace, my experience is that the norms of professional behavior are the same regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. The expectations and rules, stated or unstated, will likely vary based on each place of employment.”
While this is true, society has formed a stigma that makes it harder to be queer in general, and in the workplace by extension. “Unfortunately, many of the stated and unstated rules guiding gendered behavior at work, or which kinds of relationships are valued formally and informally, are based in heteronormativity and heterosexism—the assumption that all people are cisgender and heterosexual, and the system of oppression that develops when these identities are considered the only norm,” Kelly-Fierro says. Since this is the case, we have put together some guidelines that will make being queer at work a whole lot easier.
Should you discuss your sexuality/identity at work?
When it comes down to it, your sexuality and identity are extremely personal matters, but if you want to discuss them with people, you shouldn’t hesitate. “Coming out at work can bring up a lot of different feelings,” Kelly-Fierro says. “It could be relieving and exciting to be able to share and disclose appropriate amounts of your personal life with colleagues, as straight and cisgender [i.e. who identify with the gender they were assigned at birth] colleagues do, especially if your colleagues are affirming and supportive.” But, you should also know that it’s perfectly fine to keep personal matters to yourself.
If you work in a state where queer employees are not given the same treatment or rights as straight employees, it’s probably best to keep these matters outside of work. “If the culture of your place of employment is not as welcoming, it could be quite scary as you consider the consequences of being out in a homophobic, heterosexist, transphobic environment, and you may fear losing your job altogether,” Kelly-Fierro explains. If a boss or coworker asks you if you have an SO, you can politely say that you’d like to keep your personal matters outside of work.
Not every state has the same rules regarding employees’ sexual orientation or gender identity. Kelly-Fierro shares with us that some states protect employees based on both their sexual orientation and gender identity, while some only protect employees based on their sexual orientation.
“In other states, these laws only apply if you work in the public sector, and do not apply if you work for a private company. Sadly, in some states there is no protection at all. With or without these kinds of protections, when, how and if you choose to come out should be based on your level of comfort.” If hiding who you really are bothers you, you may want to consider finding a job somewhere that has explicit non-discriminatory policies based on sexual orientation and gender identity.
As in any workplace, you should keep extra personal matters outside the office. No matter your sexuality or identity, work isn’t the time to discuss your hookups or what you did last night. If you befriend your coworkers, keep personal conversations for happy hour rather than office hours.
What does it mean to be out at work?
Feeling comfortable and fairly treated at work can mean different things to different people. “Being out may mean that you feel safe and comfortable dressing, wearing jewelry and makeup or styling your hair in a manner that best reflects your gender identity,” Kelly-Fierro says.
“It could mean that you have photos on your desk of your partner or sweetie, and that you feel open discussing the dates or activities you have together when the topic arises,” she says. “Sometimes being out involves speaking up for others and challenging oppressive words or policies.” Consider what you’d like to get out of sharing your sexuality or identity at work before doing so.
Coming out at work needs to be a decision that you’re sure you want to make. “Take the time to make an informed personal decision that aligns with your beliefs and values,” Kelly-Fierro advises. “Make a plan that works for you. If there are other out colleagues, think about opening up to them first, and asking about their experiences.” Kelly-Fierro shares that coming out first to someone you’re close with can help give you the confidence and bravery you need to follow your intuition. If coming out at work is important to you, stay true to yourself.
What should you do if you’re being treated unfairly?
If other coworkers or your boss know about your sexuality and identity and are treating you wrongly because of it, speak up. Look into your company’s policy about fair treatment and seek out a representative if you don’t want to handle the situation on your own. If you don’t know where to start, ACLU is a company that “help[s] defend liberty, equality and justice.”
If the unfair treatment is occurring at your campus job, your campus LGBTQ+ center can help by stepping in and righting the discrimination. If your workplace does not support LGBTQ+ employees or doesn’t have a policy against discrimination, it’s time to find a new job. You shouldn’t be working for a company that doesn’t accept you for who you are—why not consider turning your LGBTQ+ identity into a career?
Should you date a coworker?
Dating a coworker can be a sticky situation. It’s best to keep relationships outside of work, no matter your sexuality or identity. People may feel uncomfortable if you make your relationship public at work, and you don’t want your boss or other employees treating you differently. If you have a connection with another employee, feel free to pursue the relationship—just make sure it’s on your own time. If you’re the only queer employee or you want to keep your personal and professional life totally separate, there are plenty of other places to meet cute people.
Now that you know how to navigate work as a queer employee, you should feel less stressed and more confident. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide who you are, but it’s important to keep personal details for your private rather than professional life. With your new employee etiquette, you can be your amazing and authentic self with your coworkers and boss. Happy working, collegiettes!