The fifth installment of Americaâs favorite horror series just got the ball rolling a couple weeks ago. American Horror Story: Hotel is off to quite the terrifying start with plenty of cringe-worthy and eye-clenching moments. If youâre a horror buff like myself, definitely add this to your âmust watchâ list this fall. Iâll be quite honest here and say the premiere had me mouthing âwtfâ more than any other AHS season. Not only because things went from 0 to 100 with the fright pretty quickly, but because Lady Gaga looked so damn good. If Gaga doesnât give you life in the ultimate spooky-couture way, then I donât know what will. I think she mightâve made it acceptable to wear a blood-soaked designer gown to Halloween parties. So letâs get into the Halloween spirit with a rundown of the chilling first two episodes.
1. Mattress mutant: Youâd think that lack of Wi-Fi would deter any 20-something from staying at a hotel, refund or not. But if thatâs not a good enough reason, I guess having a live human crawl out your mattress within the first five minutes in your room might change things.
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2. Baby vampires: Kids in any horror setting are seriously the most terrifying thing on the planet. Like The Shining, terrifying. Children of the Corn, creepy as hell. Screw Freddy Kreuger, Samara from The Ring ruined my life. So the hoard of pale, tiny, blood-drinking children running around in suits and sleeping in coffins is a whole lot of NO.
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3. Pain in the ass: The Addiction Demon a.k.a âDrilldoâ is already the worst part of this season. And by worst I mean it is the most twisted thing Iâve seen in an American Horror Story episode in a long time. Believe me, thatâs saying a lot. Even creator Ryan Murphy called it the most disturbing scene theyâve done to date. If the costume isnât bad enough on its own, Drilldo sodomized Schmidt from New Girl to death. To. Death.
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4. Bloody in the bedroom: Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer make an undeniably attractive couple. They seemed fairly normal at first, although avant-garde. By normal, I donât actually mean normal, but just less strange than expected. That totally went away when they stabbed an unsuspecting couple and drank their blood during group sex. Scary? Yeah. Kind of hot? Not quite sure. Gaga as a fashion-forward vampire queen that preys on handsome men is everything I could ask for in a show. Twilight fans, please take a seat.
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5. Have a good stay: We got some total Murder House first-season-flashback-vibes already with Hotel. It seems to be playing with the whole âyou die on the premises, you stay on the premisesâ idea. Youâd think the concept would be played out at this point after the first season but nope, itâs not. I think pushing someone out of a sixth-story window still makes for a good plot twist.
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6. Killers with a fan club: We didnât get any Evan Peters in the first episode and that was a letdown since heâs everybodyâs horror boyfriend. Heâs such an adorable puppy of a human being, so itâs mind-boggling to see him in the second episode as a psychotic serial killer with zero humanity and a pencil-stache. Itâs like Hostel and The Great Gatsby had a crazy baby. So heâs basically killing people in insane ways just for some lols, all while in a ritzy hotel he built for that specific purpose. His character James March makes Tate Langdon look like an angel. Donât worry morally-conflicted Tate fangirls, Iâm struggling right there with you on this one.
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7. Awful employees: Seemingly minor characters always end up pulling a âsurprise, b*itch, Iâm actually somewhat relevantâ at some point during every AHS season. The maid running around complaining about blood stains didnât even seem conspicuous with everything else happening. Surprise, sheâs actually very relevant and very much in love with her killer boss, James March. Sheâs always happy to scrub away evidence of his escapades. Hopefully that earned her a decent pay bonus. But yâknow, when youâre crazy in love with a killer, who cares about money.
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8. Sacrilege is an understatement: We canât forget our anonymous Ten Commandments Killer thatâs running around in the night terrorizing Los Angeles. After only two episodes we really have no clue whoâs going around supergluing dead peopleâs genitals together. So thereâs no doubt weâll have another âsurprise, b*itchâ moment when their identity is revealed. Until then, weâll just have to side eye every character. Stay skeptical, my friends.
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9. Beyond fiction: On a more serious note, the most horrifying part of this season is the fact that itâs loosely based off of real events and people. Evan Petersâ character is based off Americaâs first documented serial killer from the late 1800âs, H.H. Holmes. He actually built a hotel in Chicago specifically for murdering people, just like Mr. March. The Ten Commandments Killer was inspired by multiple serial killers like Richard Ramirez and Jack Unterwerger. Not to mention, The Ten Commandments Killer also functions somewhat like the real life Zodiac Killer from the 1960âs. Youâre getting too real American Horror Story. TOO REAL.
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