It’s that time of year again– Super bowl time, a time when we all gather around the flat screen to watch people fight to the death– wait sorry, this isn’t the Hunger Games–for the ultimate prize: a super bowl victory. It is also a time when your boyfriend forgets you exists, your friends all jump on the “Oh my gosh, I totally am so into football” bandwagon, and you are stuck stuffing your mouth with jalapeno poppers and twice baked potatoes. Here are some tips to help you get through Super bowl Sunday if you’re not a die-hard fan:
1) When others cheer, you cheer. Remember when your mom asked you, “if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” This is not the time to listen to her.
2) Calories don’t count on Super bowl Sunday. If you want a cheese-stuffed pretzel, it’s basically like you are eating celery.
3) Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get up in the middle of a play and cross in front of the T.V. I will not take responsibility if you get chips and dip thrown at you.
4) When the halftime show comes on, try not to act more enthused than you do during the actual game (unless it is a Density’s Child surprise, like a few years ago. Then by all means show enthuse).
5) If you don’t understand football terms, secretly Google them on your phone. Take that, “First Down.” Proceed to act like you know exactly what happened.
6) COME WITH A FOOD DISH. IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND FOOTBALL, THIS IS A SAVING GRACE.
7) If people ask you who you are cheering for, and you don’t even know who is playing, say, “Gah, I can’t even pick one because I am so diehard for my home team [Insert home team name here].” You’ll look like a cool and loyal super fan. *Note, if the team that is playing is your home team, you are doomed.
8) The commercials are actually the real thing to watch, so tune out during the game and tune in during the good stuff.
9) Don’t be that guy who leaves at half time. Trust me on this one.
10) If you seriously cannot bear to sit and watch, feign illness and stay in bed Netflixing Scandal. Never fails.
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