I liked to believe that nobody in their right mind would be capable of hurting me. I grew up on the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. A concept I always believed was as simple as 1+1 = 2. I also grew up thick skinned due to bullies and society telling me I wasn’t good enough. It was fine because those people didn’t know me, therefore who cared about their opinion?
However, I am also very understanding when people make simple mistakes. Despite the title of this blog post, I am very quick to forgive. You bumped into me? That’s fine! You were late to something important? That’s okay just please be on time next time. You messed up my order? That’s okay I’ll wait until you get it right! You purposely tried to hurt me? That’s… oh.
I’m not talking about physical hurt, I’m talking about emotional hurt. The kind that makes your heart drop and your stomach ache. The kind that makes you want to scream until you go mute. The kind that tastes as bitter as four shots of espresso, and makes your heart race until you feel numb. Yeah, that kind.
It’s hard forgiving someone that caused so much damage on purpose. Someone that made me build up walls around my heart and stitch up wounds with project after project. People say “forgive but don’t forget.” but is it really forgiveness if you still remember the act? If the very thought of it still makes your blood boil faster than a Keurig?
I’ve realized that there are two types of forgiveness; one comes naturally and the other takes a grueling amount of effort. But forgiving someone shouldn’t be for them, it should be for yourself. It is one of the most selfish acts that I’m afraid to commit. Forgiveness means opening up wounds that I don’t know if they’ve healed or not. It means addressing the issue, and the idea that throughout my life others might try to do the same. It means acceptance.
So I am learning to forgive, while trying to forget. I just wish it came with instructions.