So you met this guy, most likely through mutual friends or in a social setting of some sort, or maybe it’s a Tinder thing and you went right to the texting/talking phase. Whether you’re unsure if there’s mutual feelings or are positive you’re both feeling it, you continue this flirtatious, constant texting conversation with lots of loaded language and countless moments where any direction is possible to take at any moment. You realize you actually might like this person a lot. You want to hang out, as in more than that one time you met with all your friends, or meet for the first time if this is some media platform connection. And then, the moment finally comes; they ask to see you tonight. Score! You have a great time and it leads to more. At least once a week, or maybe a few times a week, as things go on you hang out and eventually make out.
And then your friends start to get nosy. Why haven’t you been around as much? What could be more important than our Thursday girls’ night? So you tell them everything. “Is it a boyfriend?” they ask – Nope, you’re mostly just talking. Yep, there it is. You talk/text all the time and hang out a bunch some weeks but not at all others. You haven’t discussed feelings and you feel like you never know whether or not you’re moving in the direction of a relationship or back to being just friends. Welcome to the mysterious realm of “talking.”
My parents, who love to be cool and question all aspects of our generation (bless their souls), recently asked me what is meant when people my age say they’re “talking.” Are they dating? Are they just friends? Does it literally mean they’re just people who talk to each other, a lot? I honestly had no idea how to explain this modern phenomenon to them. Lately, I have been more interested in this type of thing and, more broadly, modern relationships in general. This is largely due to this conversation with my parents and the wonderful book Modern Romance by Aziz Azari that I recently picked up. The book explores the way dating in the modern world is drastically different than what we did only 50 years ago and how technology especially enables us to take a radically different approach to relationships than we could without it. I highly recommend it for a very entertaining and informative read.
In light of this crazed dating scene that is heavily made up of what we call “talking” and relations via our phones, I have to believe that I’m not the only one out there who, when I take a step back to think about it, is absolutely confused. We meet people online and then talk over phones before a first date, if we even go on one. We get butterflies not over the look in someone’s eyes staring back at us, but from the emoji they choose to send us. We live virtually and have one foot in the door to one person and one foot out, or maybe even in the doorway to another because “talking” does not imply commitment or loyalty. We can “talk” to whoever and however many people we feel like. Technology is great because it enables us to link so closely and be in constant contact with anyone, and it’s a tempting and an enabler of cheating and confusion for the same reason.
Now, I don’t mean to be a hater and be above these actions, because I for sure am guilty of participating in them. I only mean to get it out there that if you are confused in your “talking” stage of a potential relationship, that you are not alone. And if you thought you were ok with just talking but something’s been missing and you can’t quite put your finger on it, maybe you’re subconsciously more introspective than you thought. Maybe the annoyance of this whole “talking” thing our generation loves to do is finally getting to you. Whatever happened to first dates, exchanging numbers and calling, and being upfront about feelings instead of playing coy games?
The fact is that we’re not suddenly going to go back to the 50s and take our dates to diners and drive-in movies; the age of “talking” is definitely here to stay. But we can all be in solidarity knowing that “talking” is the modern first step to dating, or not. “Talking” is getting to know someone and it’s a personal choice how you choose to go about that. It does not necessarily mean noncommittal and casual, but we need to be aware of the implications and ease of which people can “talk” to anyone they want to these days behind the security of their phone. Play at your own risk, people, it can get hectic in such uncharted lands.
Welcome to modern romance. Don’t you love to hate it?