As I am getting closer to Thanksgiving I am starting to think about my father. Ten months ago my father passed away from cancer in Hospice. I first found out in September that my dad had cancer. I did not know what to think and I did not know how to feel; I was silent on the phone with my father for a good ten minutes. When he told me, he was calm, cool, and collected. And as soon as he got off the phone, I cried uncontrollably. I was scared because the person that I thought would live forever might slip away from me forever. My father was always a very healthy guy, he ate all of the right foods (chicken with no skin and veggies), worked out twice a day (once in the morning before work and once after work), and even drank those gross veggie juices everyday. He used to play football in high school and college and he loved relieving his glory days. He was my father, friend and personal trainer (lol). So when I found out about his diagnoses, I was devastated and confused. My dad was like a superhero; how could he get sick? I felt lost because this was one thing in my life that I could not control. Everything started to move slower, and things that mattered to me before did not matter. My cousin picked me up that weekend so I could go see him in Toledo. The first time I saw him, he was in a hospital bed and I almost lost it. When I could not see him, I would talk to him often to check up on him and he would always say he was fine, even when he was in pain.
I could tell he was getting worse. The cancer spread quickly and pretty soon he was bedridden. After Christmas he moved into Hospice, and I felt guilty that I prayed for him to stay here for more time. He was a man that was once muscular and was slowly turning into skin and bones and it was terrifying.
My father passed away on January 18, 2016. I felt so many emotions. Happiness because he was finally out of his pain. Shock because I could not believe that he was actually gone. The last emotion I felt was anger. I was angry that he would not be here for all my important milestones: graduation, walking me down the isle, birth of my first kid, etc. A couple weeks later, when I went to work out, it hit me that he was actually gone, and I realized I could not call and ask him for workout advice. I thought, oh shit, he is really gone. It is not uncommon for grief to hit people weeks after a passing.
One thing I learned about my father’s death is that you should live life to the fullest, because even though we think we have a lot of time, we do not and time goes really fast; I learned that it is important to go to the doctor. When my father had back issues he waited until it was too late to get a check up and went into urgent care. Maybe if he would have gone to the doctor earlier, who knows what would have happened. The most important thing I learned is to appreciate the people around you because you do not know how long you will have them in your life. And hard times make you a better person.
I wish I could say that time heals all wounds but unfortunately, it does not. there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about my dad. Birthdays, Christmases and family events will be tough without him but I know he will always be with me. I am grateful for the time I did get to spend with him whether it was karaoke at Thanksgiving, Christmas dinner or just sitting around in his hospital room talking about his football glory days.
I am writing this article not just to help me heal, but to help others as well. If there is anything you all should take away from my article, it is to enjoy your loved ones, especially during the upcoming holidays.