There’s nothing I love more than a good romantic comedy. You laugh, you cry, you get the whole cannoli. But the best part of a rom-com is always the steamy sex scenes. Everything looks so passionate, so clean, so organized. Those sex scenes don’t show what it’s really like to get your freak on; movies conveniently leave out these messy parts of sex:
1. Condom problems
You can’t rip it open, so you use your teeth, and you rip the condom and eat lube all at the same time. Bye.
2. Trying to change positions
Your leg gets stuck, he wants to be on top, he’s pulling your hair, his leg is cramping.
3. The sweat
Can we do this without touching? We are both way too sweaty to be touching.
4. And you get so thirsty
Keep like five gallons of water next to the bed. Also, don’t drink while laying down, because you will spill. Not speaking from experience or anything.
5. The awkward dirty talk
You’re putting me on the spot and I have nothing rehearsed. I sound like a bad pair of sexy dice—”Eat, with clothes on!”
6. When it doesn’t last long enough
Hello, two pump chump. Now that that’s over, guess I’ll go do my laundry.
7. When it lasts too long
Um, I hate to rush this, but I have stuff to do. (File under signs that it’s not good).
8. How hungry it makes you
Time to stock up on your carbs.
9. The cleanup
At least give a girl some warning so I can prepare.
10. Awkwardly asking your one-night-stand to leave so you can watch Netflix and eat your snacks.
This was great and all, but there is some leftover pizza that I am not trying to share.
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