Gossip squirrel here, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Notre Dame’s elite. It’s the most wonderful time of year again, Domers – Zahm’s playing Mariah Carey on full blast, Christmas lights are twinkling through the dorm halls, and the snow is falling heavier than your GPAs. But that’s not the only thing going down this finals week.
Ever since S went abroad and got friendly with her flatmates in Freemantle, Lonely Rodent has been lonelier than ever. He’s been spotted eating alone in South dining hall, hitting the library books on Saturday nights instead of the New Finnies dance floor, and walking aimlessly around the lakes with no one to keep his hands warm (my sources say he lost his gloves in the despair of last football game).
Now, rumor has it that Lonely Rodent is tail over heels once again for a mystery squirrel. He’s been spending flex points on her and tweeting cryptic lyrics, like “coming out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine.” Is this just a subtle dorm party appreciation post, or is new love in the December air? Can they handle the long distance over winter break? What will S say… and will it be in a newly-developed Australian accent?
Spotted outside Wash Hall late last night: B getting too close for comfort with the infamous North Quad skunk. Something stinks about this, and I’m pretty sure it’s not just the DeBart bathrooms. Is B showing her true stripes? Her reputation still hasn’t recovered from the hip hop night incident, and this smelly rendezvous won’t help clean it up.
Sources also saw B peeking out of a trash can the other day at lunch, scarfing a half-eaten bagel into her furry cheeks. In her defense, flex points are low, and procrastin-eating is very much a thing. Not calling her desperate… but come on, B, at least wait until it’s not peak dining hall hours to do your scavenging. Someone tell this chipmunk that Einstein delivers.
In other news, guess who I saw sipping a whiskey sour at the top bar last night? That’s right, little K from Chicago is back from her CSC immersion trip. Apparently, she still claims she’s from “the suburbs of Chicago.” Yeah, and the Chainsmokers are totally coming to Stepan Center. Squirrel, please; I see right through your 90-minute commute to the city.
Who knows what next semester will hold. Will Lonely Rodent score a ring by spring with his mystery squirrel, or will S come back to even the score? And will little K ever learn that lanyards are a total freshman move? Stay tuned, Domers and squirrels.
Before I go… I bet you’re all wondering, who am I? Keep guessing, because that’s one secret I’ll never tell. Unless you can bribe me off the tree with some Smashburger fries from LaFun. Then, maybe I’ll spill.
You know you love me. Xoxo, Gossip Squirrel.
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