I’ll admit it: I’m the girl who tells all of her friends and her boyfriend, “I need to diet” twice a day, usually while shoving cheese fries in my mouth. That joke about the “seafood diet” is pretty accurate for me. I see food and usually eat it because I have zero self-control when it comes to deliciousness. But every time I eat that piece of junk food I know my body didn’t need, I feel bad and tell whoever is with me that I need to go on a diet or I’m starting a diet on Monday.
Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t.
If I do, it usually doesn’t last very long. Why? Diets don’t work in the long run. Gradually changing your lifestyle to a healthier one works, but change is never easy. So what do we do? We cling to our short-lived diets.
Maybe one day I’ll learn my lesson, and maybe you’ve already learned yours. Regardless, if you’ve ever tried going on a diet, there are a few things you know to be true.
1. You set a date for your diet to begin and eat all of the junk food you have in the meantime
Not only do you eat all of the junk food you have in the house, but you may also indulge in some fast-food the weekend before because when you start your diet, you plan on giving up all of that junk. It’s okay because you’re starting your diet soon.
2. You push back the date your diet is supposed to begin
You told everyone – yourself included – that you were starting your diet on Monday, but then you drove past McDonald’s and started craving some fries. That salad you had for lunch didn’t fill you up at all and the fries are so tempting… So you decide that there’s no harm in moving the start date back by a day.
3. You try to convince yourself healthy food tastes better, anyway
Yes, pizza is delicious, but oh man, this salad is just as delicious… Who would choose a slice of cheesy deliciousness when you can have a bowl of lettuce? You love lettuce, spinach, and kale… kale… ale… le… e… extra-large pizza…
4. You weigh yourself after one day of dieting and are disappointed the number hasn’t moved yet
Okay, so it’s too early for you to have made any real progress, but a part of you wants to see results from the get-go. Why aren’t you skinny yet??
5. You struggle with the whole “portion control” thing
What do you mean you’ve been eating enough pasta to feed a family of four? That was one serving to you.
6. You struggle with limiting your indulgences
A cookie here and there is fine when you’re on a diet, but one cookie quickly turns into ten cookies, and a handful of chips quickly turns into half the family-sized bag, and all of a sudden, your healthy streak has been ruined because you ate that whole thing of Oreos.
7. You’ve bought some sort of diet product to try to speed up your weight loss
Nowadays, there are so many different weight-loss products, chances are you’ve tried one or two in your lifetime. Diet pills, diet shakes, diet protein bars, cleansing teas, etc. all sell you an easy fix, and they’re tempting enough you’ve probably given in and bought them before.
8. You’ll do anything to justify that donut you snuck into your diet at lunch
Nobody actually saw you eat it – nobody you knew, anyway – so it’s like you never actually ate it. The fortune cookie never lies.
9. You become the queen of loopholes when it comes to logging your food
If you put bacon in a banana peel, it’s healthy by association. That’s how it works, right? Right.
10. You’ve been told to use smaller plates when you eat, so you make it work for you
You only got one plate of food. That has to count for something.
11. You watch your friend with the super high metabolism like
How is it possible for such a tiny human being to eat so much and stay tiny, and you so much as look in the direction of cake and gain five pounds?
12. When your cheat day finally comes along, you don’t mess around
You’ve been waiting for this day to come around since you first started your diet and you may or may not have gone a little overboard. Okay, a lot overboard.
13. You dread being asked about your diet because it’s been a week and you’ve already broken it twice
You don’t want to talk about it, okay?
14. The times you have lost weight while on a diet, your boobs were like:
No, no, no, no. This is not what you meant when you said you wanted to lose weight! Your boobs are supposed to stay put. Take the stomach instead!
15. Two weeks in, you decide the diet just isn’t worth it and you miss pizza too much to continue
You made it a good two weeks. You had a good run. But you’ve been away from your favorite foods for too long and this whole “no junk food” thing isn’t going to work for you anymore.
16. A week of indulgences later, you start feeling guilty and complaining to your loved ones again
You don’t want to go on a diet again, but you’re also tired of feeling full, bloated, and sluggish all the time. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing to give it another go. You did make it two weeks last time. Maybe you could keep going.