How to Tinder: Jake Edition

Becca Stevens-Green Student Contributor, University of Guelph

Guelph Contributor Student Contributor, University of Guelph

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Guelph chapter and does not reflect the views of Her Campus.

It’s not news that social media is becoming a large part of our lives. What started as email has evolved into Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and other platforms that connect us with our friends, family, and the online world. It comes as no surprise that dating is a part of our generation’s online kingdom.

In my uni friend group, tinder boys are a large source of laughter. “Did you hear that he said this?”, “Have you heard this pick-up line before?”, “I think he’s kind of funny”, “Omg I can’t believe you matched with an *aggie again!”, “Are you really going to go out with a guy who makes ‘sicc beats’?”

*aggie – the nickname for an ‘Agricultural student’ at the University of Guelph, usually spotted sitting on a tractor, with a piece of grass between their teeth, or wearing the infamous leather jackets while ALWAYS travelling in herds

Usually patterns among tinder boys are easy to spot: the stupid pick-up lines, the classic ‘dtf?’ and the generic questions about school and the future which slightly resemble sitting through one of your long family dinners.

However, in early January something strange starting happening in the Tinder world of my floormates: everyone had a thing with a different type of Tinder Jake and then lost them over the next few months – and so, for your benefit, here are the 5 Tinder Jakes and their ultimate downfalls.

SPOTTED AT GUELPH: THE RISE AND CONSEQUENT FALL OF THE TINDER JAKES

1. The ‘I’m going to make a career out of my YouTube channel’ Jake

How to Spot Them: Check them out on their link below and subscribe for new weekly videos!

Their downfall: Besides talking a lot in videos without saying anything substancial, their major downfall is looking for subscribers instead of anything romantic. If you want a subpar channel, go for it, but if you’re looking for anything else they’re probably going to say they’re ‘too famous for you’.

2. The ‘hot’ Jake

How to Spot Them: The real key is looking away once you’ve spotted them.

Their Downfall: Ah yes, even good things come with a downfall. When a Jake is attractive and on Tinder, you know something must be up: emotional baggage, leaving town in a few months, something hidden in his closet? Like c’mon, you can’t be that attractive and on an online dating website without hiding something.

3. The ‘show and tell’ Jake

How to Spot Them: This is the nice Jake, he’s willing to bring you soup when you’re sick, and are pretty much ready to get down on one knee after 2 weeks. They’re shown off like arm candy in front of your group of girlfriends and are always there, even when you don’t really need them.

Their Downfall: Arm candy is nice but it’s also disposable. Hopefully you can salvage the situation by promising friendship, since he deserves someone who appreciates his kindness. That person just isn’t you.

4. The ‘I know more about your family than about you’ Jake

How to Spot Them: You don’t know how exactly you matched on Tinder, seeing as due to unlikely circumstances your part time job puts you in the position of his parents being your number 1 customers. Gulp.

Their Downfall: You don’t think they can catfish you, since you know everything about their family. However, where there’s a will there’s a way.

5. The ‘minimal effort’ Jake

How to Spot Them: Starts with a generic conversation and ends with him constantly sending you the exact same snap as posted on his story. How touching.

Their Downfall: They use the tactic of limited communication across several girls instead of it narrowing it down to a simple few, because they believe it is more likely to get them laid. If only the minimal effort Jake knew.

To conclude, I am not saying you should swipe left, but you should swipe left.

(Thank you to my friends for letting me share their Tinder Jake experiences)