Trying to politely reject someone making advances at the primary mating grounds of the bar can often be a challenge. I have been doing research and trying to discern what are the most effective tactics in really sending a message. The classics “I have a boyfriend” or “I only have four more hours to live” often don’t work and can result in the hangers-on lingering uncomfortably until you are forced to eat your own hair. Based on personal experience, here are the strategies that have guys not walking away, but sprinting like their life depends on it. The trick is always the element of surprise.
1. T-Rex Tease
If a male specimen happens upon you during your evening at the bar, nothing is more effective than catching them off guard. If he starts talking to you and being horrendously inappropriate, immediately start practicing your velociraptor attack or T-Rex roar (with actions). The poor fellow will definitely think you are full-blown psychotic and immediately put his efforts elsewhere.
2. The Loopy Larynx
Tell him you have a severe laryngeal condition and can’t control the volume of your voice. This is not the best strategy when the bar is loud already, however it is tremendously effective in a more intimate setting. He will feel very uncomfortable with you only being able to converse by scream-yelling.
3. Nifty Name Game
Keep calling him the wrong name: Julio, Dimitri—something exotic. He will get very frustrated. This only works if the male specimen has some form of self respect.
4. The Language Barrier
If he tries to pick you up with some kind of silly line choose your favourite non-English speaking country and go with it! My go-to language is always German, even though I can only speak three sentences. If you incorporate this sure-fire tactic with “not being able to control how loud you are” you are sure to have him heading over to the next lady.
5. The Classic Opposing Team Card
If you aren’t attracted to guys it’s not your fault if you shut him down. However, this may backfire if you kiss another girl at the bar and he may try to bring you both home. This one is not as effective as above methods and can lead to testosterone-induced chaos.
6. An Operatic Interruption
This is a bit alarming and may get you kicked out of the bar if you extend it for long enough. When he starts speaking to you, try only communicating through song—preferably opera. This is a great way to push the limits of your vocal career and get rid of the sleaze.
7. Pelvic Floor
Nothing is less sexy than this term. If Chaz from the Lacrosse team starts grinding all up on your grill and you’re not feeling it, take a step back and say “excuse me I have to stretch out my pelvic floor.” After stating one of the arguably most unappealing phrases resume the birthing position in the middle of the dance floor.
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