Do you always wonder how your personality and character is formed; why you and your siblings and friends differ in character; or why everyone you know is inherently different in comparison to each other? These are all valid matters to wonder about. I’ve crossed paths with many people in my life and it’s been a journey in itself to explore the friendships and relationships I’ve shared. There have been many ups and downs. With some people I got along well and with others it’s been a complete hit-or-miss. Getting to the bottom of this, I’ve realized that it’s about a person’s character that’s attracted both our spirits together. Some people I always kept at arm’s length because it felt just right. Some people I let my guard down and invited into my life only to realize it was a big mistake. The fact of the matter is that, recognizing good character is crucial to maintaining relationships.
The determinants that shape our character; Nature vs. Nurture is perhaps the answer to everything. As a devout Muslim, I always look to my religion to find peace and answers and even with this question, my religion provides me with everything I need to know. In a collection of traditions and sayings by the noble prophet Muhammad called Hadeeth, I found an appropriate response by the prophet on this topic. The Prophet Muhammad said to Al Mundhir al-Ashajj: “You have two characteristics which Allah (our Lord) likes: gentleness and deliberation. He asked: Have I acquired them or has Allah created them in my nature? He replied: No, Allah has created (them) in your nature.” This determines that nature is the main factor that shapes our character, however the Prophet did not deny that nurture could not be a determinant as well, meaning one could acquire their characteristics all through their life. Obviously, one is born in a state of innate nature and even though their nature shapes their first years, by contast, nurture shapes them all through their life, whether it be family, friends, school, media and so on. The options are endless. We believe that your innate nature provides you your moral compass and the ability to sense good and bad and right and wrong. It is said in Sahih Al-Bukari, a collection of hadeeths made by scholar Muhammad Al-Bukhari that Prophet Muhammad said: “I was not sent except to perfect good character”. If so much emphasis is placed on good character, it’s a wonder how people could ever be anything but that.
The age old debate of nature (our genes) vs nature (our environment) and which determines your individuality has been sustained for a long time. I believe that both nature and nurture are integral to shaping personality and character. In regards to parenting, I believe that parents have a lot of influence in their children’s upbringing. Children are predisposed to certain characteristics. Looking at a baby, it is easy to say that genes play a role in whether that baby is calm, frustrated, and agitated or lively and cheerful. However, the parenting style can ultimately determine the intensity of a child’s behavior, just as a child’s traits can determine the way you parent. This is not to say that orphaned children or children in foster care don’t get the experience. Everyone is unique and goes through a process of trait development. Ultimately though parents have a lot of control in shaping their children’s character traits. It is well understood that negative parenting can definitely lead to impulsivity and frustration and positive parenting can lead to discipline. It’s also understood that any amount of positive or negative parenting could also lead to extremely erratic and impulsive behavior or on the opposite side: calm and cheerful behavior. As much as it is true that genetics determines a child’s nature, Parental control in trait development is important to help make important character determinants.
Parental control in character development is one that I’ve always believed in. The upbringing you receive can have a lot to say about you even with the innate characteristics you possess. If you really want to know someone, look at their upbringing; turn to their family, their parents in particular. In my life I’ve learnt a few lessons. It is like with getting into a business partnership with someone. You’ve got to make sure you are compatible with your potential business partner. More importantly, with being in a romantic relationship, you’ve got to understand the character and personality of your potential spouse. His/her family could be a great indication of what kind of qualities the family in general possess. As much as love and understanding is sufficient, without compatibility and good character there will never be an any understanding between the two significant others. It comes from great understanding, patience, and gentleness to make a relationship work. It is true some people lack those qualities greatly. Moral of the story: a long lasting relationship requires great compatibility, and understanding. Character and upbringing is so important to assess such compatibility.
Here are a few simple ways to develop good character.
- Ask people for feedback about yourself, preferably good friends who will be blunt.
- Don’t think negatively of people, give them the benefit of the doubt.
- Stop lying. It gets easier the more you do it.
- Strive to improve your character. Where there is a will, there is a way.
- Set goals for yourself and set boundaries, so you will know your limits.
- Treat everyone equally, with dignity and respect. Eventually it will become a habit.