It was a cold day, late first semester last year and I was with my best friend in her room. We were bored, both scrolling on our phones. I casually mentioned that my friend from home had another friend who was getting her tuition paid by her sugar daddy. My friend looked up at me, with the same look in her eye she gets when she is about to ruin my plans to stay in the night before a test. Within a few hours, we were both signed up for the most popular sugaring websites, “Seeking Arrangement.” I picked a username, uploaded a photo, and was asked a series of questions: Location (Boston), age (19), lifestyle budget (simple), ethnicity (white/caucasian), body type (athletic), height (5’4”), hair color (red), drinking and smoking habits, education, whether or not you have children, etc. I wrote a quick bio, and included what type of arrangement I was looking for.
Over the next 9 months I deleted and remade my account roughly ten times due to the start and end of a relationship as well as some inner moral conflict. I never went on a date or met with any man on the site, because I was terrified, and rightfully so, of the people I encountered. I did set up dates with two men on the site, but cancelled at the last minute, the thought of going on these dates had my hyperventilating in my bathroom.
Let’s get one thing straight. The men on this website are not looking for an actual sugar baby, and they do not want to be an actual sugar daddy. They are not looking for a long term arrangement where an older man and a younger woman date, and they both get satisfaction from the older man buying a woman presents and taking her out to nice restaurants. These men are looking to pay for sex.
I have since deleted my account permanently and do not plan on reversing that decision. People who know or have met me, know that I am a fairly confident person. Yes, everyone has their moments, but for the most part, I understand my self worth. However, being on this site took a huge chunk of that confidence away. By a month into this semester, in combination with stress from outside sources, I was experiencing a level of anxiety that I’ve never felt. Once I deleted the app, as clique as it sounds, a huge weight was lifted off my chest.
The question that’s probably circulating in your heads right now is, then why did you stay on the site for 9 months? Honestly, I have no idea. I consider myself to be a feminist, and most people I meet do as well. However, growing up in American society, I learned that my sexuality could get me certain things. I have been working in the restaurant industry since I was 15. In that time, I have put up with a lot of harassment to make my 20% tips. I got called “Whoremoney” by an older gentleman who thought it was hilarious that my name is Harmony. I just gave him a tight smile and got back to pouring his water. I’ve gotten grabbed by a drunk regular and ignored it because it would mean losing a $30 tip. I got drunk messages from a male ex-boss and did nothing about it because I didn’t want to get fired. I learned to keep my mouth shut. And as terrible as that sounds, that’s how I am able to pay for college. So maybe I thought I could find that one man on the site who wasn’t looking for sex, he just wanted to help a woman pay for college. Yes, I realize how naive that sounds. I never found that man.
I did however, find out just how disgusting some people are when they think they have the upper hand in a situation. Here are the top 5 most shocking first messages I received:
5. “Hi girl :) My name is ****. My husband and I are looking for a sexy and fun girl. Would you be open to a couple?”
4. “hey I loved your profile . . . I like to have a little chat over kik messenger lmk if you have that just add me. Hit me up asap on kik, I usually start virtually at 800 to 1200 a week, hope to hear from you soon!”
3. “2500 per month. Text me.”
2. “Hi, I’m looking for something casual and easy with mutual spoiling and bedroom fun if there’s chemistry. I am happy to make donations your time ($500 allowance every time) and for being able to enjoy intimate times together without having to be in a traditional relationship.”
1. “Hello, How are you? I hope I won’t scare you by asking two direct questions for a start: What is your bra size? Are you shaven, trimmed, or hairy? Look forward to chatting!”
Remember that you are worth more than your body. Please stay safe if you choose to use these sites. These men are not interested in your mental health. There is a reason they are on a site where they pay for “relationships.” Give yourself love and tell yourself that you deserve someone who wants you for your intelligence, creativity, personality, humor, etc. and not just for a quick lay and a couple hundred bucks.