Disclaimer: I have always been a fan of Aziz Ansari, and so when the sexual misconduct allegations against him began to appear across headlines, my heart sank – but just for a moment. After reading the original piece in its entirety, and consuming countless response articles, I realized what broke my heart the most was not that it was Ansari – someone who I adored in Parks and Recreation and had once considered an ally – but that I’d heard of and even experienced this story too many times to count. And I know that I am not alone.
So much controversy has come out in regard to this story – people disputing the nuances between sexual assault and sexual misconduct, and others flat-out condemning the accuser for not knowing “how to call a cab.”
Here comes another disclaimer: I am not an expert on sexual violence, nor do I ever aim to speak for those who have experienced any form of misconduct or assault. But, I think it’s clear to me, in the midst of all this chaos, to remember that you can have a productive conversation about the implications of this story without attacking the accuser. It is OK to point out the differences between Grace’s allegations and those of varying degrees of sexual violence, but it is not OK to do so in a manner that invalidates her perceptions and experiences, or those of anyone for that matter.
The most important and necessary conversations to come out of this is not whether or not Grace was out to “humiliate” Ansari or to what degree his career should be tarnished after the accusations. Instead, it’s crucial to reflect on our society, and to listen to the countless voices who are exclaiming (and have been doing so for quite a long time) that Grace is not alone in feeling violated by a sexual encounter like this. The fact that we normalize coercion and pressure and in turn put the responsibility on survivors to navigate uncomfortable experiences in a specific way to avoid all problems in the first place is the epitome of rape culture and victim blaming. Jessica Valenti put it best when she tweeted: “Our standard for sexual behavior has to be more than what’s legal or illegal – it needs to be about what’s right. . .It’s easy to take a stand against Weinstein or men who whip their dicks out. It’s less easy to talk about behavior that’s widely considered acceptable – but imo it’s just as important.” In order to make the nuanced change to our culture that we desire, we must have the conservations that are not so easy. And that begins with Ansari.
Photo Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons. Licensed under Creative Commons.