We surround ourselves with family, friends, people we love and enjoy their company. And rarely would one ever expect someone close to them to cause them any harm. But in certain instances, they can, especially when it comes to sexual assault.
Many think of sexual assault as silent strangers in the night, raping and assaulting the innocent or being taken advantage of when one has too many drinks or slipped secret substances. And while this is true and does continue to happen, it does not encompass all sexual assault cases.
Sometimes it’s someone you love, like a friend or family member.
And that’s what happened to me.
A close family friend of mine assaulted me for years, from the ages of 7 to 19. And contrary to many cases, my assailant was female.
This was a female only a few years older than myself, and she began to take interest in me when I was in 2nd grade. I looked up to this friend, I trusted her, respected her and loved her.
Our parents grew up together, celebrated holidays together, vacationed together.
I was so young, so naive, so trusting.
I was confused initially. I had no idea what this was, why it was happening, if it was wrong, or what it even meant. I thought, “she wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.”
But she continued to force herself on me, force acts, force pain.
I was 7 years old, with such a small understanding of the world around me.
Children are easy targets for some, tell them everything will be okay, tell them it’s a secret, force them into silence, make it a little game. Whatever it may be.
She would tell me “Well, if you really loved me, you’d do this.” “Obviously you don’t care about me then.” “I’ll tell your mom and say you made us.” “Don’t be such a pussy.” “It’s just one time, to try it.”
Many people believe that only men commit sex crimes, but they are so far from the truth. Anyone can commit assault, regardless of sex, gender, sexuality, race, relationship, socio-economic class, etc.
Many cases of sexual assault have come to the limelight in this past year, thanks to the #MeToo movement and many strong individuals willing to speak out. However, there is still silence, sexual assault still seems to be a “hush hush” topic.
When someone close to you is your assailant, it makes everything extremely complicated. You know the person, you trust the person, you love the person, but you hate them for what they did? And must continue to love them in fear of otherwise exposing the situation.
You don’t understand how you feel anymore. A whirlwind of emotion. You must face this person at every gathering, every party, every holiday. And each time before you arrive, you fear your next encounter. You fear repetition.
So many years of confusion, anxiety, resentment. But I couldn’t tell anyone. I had to swear it. And it happened so many times, I thought I would get blamed for it. “Well it happened more than once so obviously you liked it.”
At the age of 19, I finally put an end to it, found a small voice and said “no.”
It was at this time that she said she loved me, had developed feelings for me, had loved me for years. I didn’t know what to say, how to feel, but I stuck with “no” to avoid any further actions. I was met with anger and coercion. But still, “no.”
Now, looking back, I can see this was a feeble attempt to rope me back in since I had never resisted before. Or an attempt to keep me quiet.
This seems to be a common theme in abusive relationships. But was she abusing me? What really is an abusive relationship? Everything was so muddied I couldn’t tell if I was actually the one in the wrong, if this was all my fault. So my silence continued.
To this day I cannot bring myself to say the word “rape,” I do not know how to explain this situation to others, in a way I cannot even face it myself at times, so I remain silent.
It completely changed the person I was. I was a young child who admired someone, and this person used that loved and admiration to control me. To guilt me. To confuse me. To force me. This affected any relationship I’ve had, made my idea of sexual intimacy so twisted, and affected how I saw myself as a person.
I believe the worst part is the inability to speak out, the inability to remove this person from my life. I couldn’t tell my family, I didn’t want to ruin their friendship with her parents, I didn’t want to start a war, I didn’t want to be interrogated.
And I still don’t, so I remain silent.
However, I cannot leave this on such a sad note, because my life is not sad. I have accomplished so much and will continue to. While I do think of it quite often, it does not make me. It does not define me.
I’ve learned to move on. I chose to “live and let die.”
Not everyone agrees with this ideology, and many seek closure by confrontation. Each person has their right to handle the situation in any way they see fit.
My main point is, sexual assault can happen anytime, anywhere, with anyone. You did not do anything to deserve this, you are not less because it happened to you. Do not let it break you down, do not let this person rule the rest your life. You are a survivor. We are survivors.