Watching Loss on Screen After Experiencing My Own Personal Loss

For most people, This is Us is a tearjerker. For some of us, This is Us is a sobbing machine.

I used to love this show and my family and I would talk about all of the plot twists, romances, and strong characters. It wasn’t until season 2, that I felt I had to stop watching this drama. Having lost my dad 6 years ago, This is Us was hitting too close to home. I could feel myself relating to the characters on a deeper level than most people. 

When the female lead, Kate’s dad died in the show cried, I too felt her pain – I cried for awhile. Seeing what the triplets in the show had to go through, brought up what I currently am and will continue to go through. In the episode where, Kate and her brother, Kevin, went to Kevin’s film set and met their dad’s idol, Sylvester Stallone. Kate proclaimed “Oh my God, I wish dad was here! Ugh, Stallone was his hero!”

This made me think of what it would be like if I ever met my dad’s favorite movie star, Dennis Quaid. On road trips to Disney World, my dad would always fight with us about what movie to watch (while Mom was driving). His top choice was always The Rookie. He loved the classic underdog story, and Dennis Quaid’s strong character was in it. I even named my dog Rookie, after my dad passed away. 

In This is Us, Kate also said to her brother – “God, he would’ve been so proud of you, Kev! I mean, to see this set and all you’ve accomplished, what you’ve gone through.”  Kevin replied, “Yeah, but I mean, he can’t see it though, right?” 

To think that my dad hasn’t seen everything I’ve accomplished doesn’t seem right or fair. I like to think that he is there every step of the way, he’s just a world away. Yeah, he wasn’t sitting in the audience of my first college dance show but maybe he had a front row seat up in heaven. 

Later on, in the episode when Sylvester Stallone talks to Kevin about his dad, Kevin says he passed away a long time ago. Stallone said, “In my experience, Kevin, there’s no such thing as a long time ago. There are only memories that mean something and memories that don’t.”

This quote stuck with me because sometimes when I want to reassure people that I’m doing fine, I say that my dad passed away a long time ago. But he’s right: there is no such thing as a long time ago, whether it was six years ago or 20 years ago. The pain doesn’t vanish, it just seems to become more bearable.

The memories of my dad will always mean the world to me. When I start to think of him, sometimes I push the thoughts away because I feel sad. My mom always says to remember all of the good times and how good of a dad he was. That turns the bitterness a little bit sweet, and I start to smile amid my tears.  

Another time that a movie hit very close to home was the Parent Trap (1998) with Dennis Quaid and Lindsay Lohan. I remember my dad and I loved to watch this movie and there was always a quote that the female lead said that stuck with me. Annie said this quote to her father after she met him for the first time. She grew up without her father, and then she and her twin sister switched places so they could each get to know the other parent who they did not grow up with.

The quote is:

“Do you wanna know why l keep saying ”Dad”? 

“Because you missed your old man so much, right?” 

“Exactly. it’s because in my whole life. l was never able to say ”Dad”. Never. Not once. And a dad is an irreplaceable person in a girl’s life. Think about it. There’s a whole day devoted to celebrating fathers. Just imagine someone’s life without a father. Never buying a Father’s Day card, never sitting on their father’s lap, never being able to say, ”Hi, Dad” or ”Catch you later, Dad. ‘A baby’s first words are always ”da-da”. 

When I was younger and watched this with my father, this quote did not mean much to me. When he passed away when I was 14, I couldn’t stop thinking about this quote. It seemed crazy that a quote so meaningless could mean so much. It really describes my life and anyone’s life who has lost their dad. When I use the word dad to describe my father to my friends, the conversation suddenly gets a little sad. I can relate to Annie in the movie because sometimes I feel like I never say the word dad because it’s a mood killer. I miss saying “Hi Dad!” in the mornings before I caught the bus to school. I’ll never be able to say those words again, and it’s life-changing. But my life changing doesn’t all have to be bad. I like to think that my dad’s death doesn’t define my life. I’ve moved forward by pursuing dance, going to college to get my psych degree in order to become a therapist, and by using writing as an expressive outlet. 

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